Family

I'm extremely disappointed in my family. What the heck is going through their heads? My Tatie is sick. This is no time for a full out war!

I'm not claiming to be a saint. But let's be honest here. When someone is sick, and in the hospital, the family should pull together. Not pull apart. And attack each other.

I've been quietly sitting on my hands. I've texted my sister. And talked to my parents. I've asked questions about Tatie's care. Because I'm generally concerned. Being that I work in the field of medicine, have experience in nutrition, and a care about my Tatie...I ask questions.

Yes, I know about nutrients, diets, and the such. Hello! My degree, and field of primary study for my BS, is human nutrition. I'm not trying to be the doctor here. But there are some questions that you could ask. So don't bite my head off, I'm just trying to make sure my grandpa is getting the best possible care.

Another thing that has completely annoyed me this week, is how people seem to be screening who sees Tatie. Let's get real. He's got kids from 2 marriages. They're all his kids. Whether you like them or not. They have a right to see their father.

When my Dad was in the hospital, I never said anything. I welcomed my siblings. Because that is what my Dad needed. I may not like them. Or even respect them. But it's what made my Dad feel better. Happier. So why can't my aunts do the same thing?

Are you seriously not going to allow people to see Tatie, based on who has visited him. And how often? Are you serious? I for one, well, I have a Dad that has needed all the time and care I could give him. It's been just over 5 months since he almost died. Not to mention, I live 3 hours away. Work 100+ hours a week. And go to school. But I have managed to visit twice. But obviously, it's not enough for the "Guard Dogs."

So I leave it at that. You want to be that way, fine. My Tatie knows I love him. We've had some very interesting conversations. Like that day when Nanie wasn't home, and Tatie wanted to talk. He told me so much. Asked me so many questions. He knows what's going on. He's not dumb. And I know for a fact, that he knows that I love him, think about him, and pray for him every single day.

I've sent my grandparents countless packages. All to be returned. With the same handwriting. But I'm not letting it stop me. I know that I do it, out of the kindness of my heart. For my grandparents. For my Tatie. If this person doesn't like it, oh well. It's on your back, not mine. I know what I do for them. All the boxes and cards, I have them sitting in my closet. Let's not even talk about how many times I call. But you know, they screen the calls. And if they don't want to talk to you, well no one answers the phone. But at least I try.

For me, the straw that broke the camels back, was Thursday evening. Already, these people were rude to my Mom Wednesday. She went to visit her Dad. No one would let her see him. He was resting. But there were 3 visitors. Someone could have stepped out for a minute. Just so she could have seen her Dad. She didn't want to wake him. But no. That's how much care, love, and concern they have for my Mom.

Thursday evening. That was low. For everyone that was involved. Everyone that knew what was going on. After certain people went to my parents' house earlier. And then, to pull what they did. Are you serious? Are you that scared of the things you do, that you must attack someone else? Act like a damn fool?

Already, I had no respect for this particular woman. I haven't spoken to her in about 10 years. I will not let her touch me. I don't care if she wants to hug me, I want nothing to do with her. She knows why. I shouldn't have to respect someone who has no respect for me or my parents. Enough said. But to act the way she did. And get others involved. It's ridiculous!

So not only have you taken money from my parents, you harass them. That's ridiculous! Especially after everything that my parents have done for my grandparents. But how easily people forget. All those cigarettes, beer, food, time, energy, little trips, and such...and they forget. They forget the time spent.

Then to accuse my Mom of this nonsense. She hasn't spoken to her brother since October. At a family party. And those sisters...it's been years. Since they tried to "take down the family." Yes, years! As in at least 4...if not longer.

But when you are a "scaredy cat" and are trying to hide, I guess you just lash out. Blame anyone that is around you. There's not enough sense, to realize the harm you are doing. You are tearing apart this family. As far as I'm concerned, I have Tatie, Uncle John, Auntie Ronnie, and a bunch of cousins. The rest, well, if I never see them again, it wouldn't bother me.

To have someone waiting for you, to attack you, and yell at you like a wild animal, that is crazy. For people to be throwing things at you, and waving around canes like that...that's nonsense! Why? Because someone else is after you? Maybe you should research this a little better. Really look at who is attacking you. And going after you. It's not the sister that you are blaming.

It's not the first time that people have hurt my Mom. People in her family. That are supposed to love her. There was that time, when my Uncle was dying. And everyone got together to celebrate his birthday. The purposefully left my Mom out. And all those holiday celebrations. But the crazy thing is, the people in this family that matter, they know that she loves them. They know that I love them. That's all that matters. Not these crazy women.

The sad part is, they are tearing apart this family. Do you know something? I have a cousin, that I heard was looking for a better job. I made some calls, talk to a bunch of people. And I got her an interview for this amazing job. I literally got the call this morning. But now...do I dare call her? Because if I do, will I be the next one they attack? So I decided, I'm just going to let it go. Because there's too much, for me, to lose in the end. And it's not worth it.

That hurts. That's the sad part. Because it's hurting people that aren't even involved in the main family problems. Why can't my cousins go see our grandpa? A cousin that helped build their home. Why can't my Mom see my grandpa? Her Dad. Or my Uncle. This is what is ridiculous.

But we are not the ones to decide what is right or wrong. There is a judgement day for that. A day when you have to face the Lord, and explain the things you've done. There is no hiding from him. He knows what you've done. No matter how well you think you've hidden it. He knows.

For these people, that feel superior to the rest of us, it's not worth it. You're hurting the family more, than you are helping it. Does it make you feel so good, because you attack someone? I'm not like my Mom. I wouldn't have taken that. Maybe you will call my a B, but I don't care. People need to respect people, in order to receive respect back.

For my family that is innocent in these matters, I love you. We may not see each other often. May only speak a few words, but I love you. You are in my heart. And will always be there. There is no changing that. I love you.

And all that is left to do, is pray for Tatie. Pray that he recovers. And that he is allowed to live, his last few years in peace, surrounded by love, and in a way that makes him happy. That's all that matters. No matter how much people don't want to see it, his health and happiness is all that matters. And every single day, that is what I pray for. ♫

Weird Dreams

I've been having the most insane dreams for weeks now. And because I'm not feeling well, I think they're becoming more insane. I finally fell asleep sometime before 10AM. I know J is trying to be quiet. Which is insane. This is his house. And it's ginormous! He could have a party on one side, and I'd never hear a thing!

Anyway, I got about 2 hours worth of sleep. And I woke up, suddenly, and completely sweaty. Ugh! But the dream was so weird. We'll just say it was about a guy we'll call "Cowboy."

I was a teacher. In a school downtown. Where? I have no clue. Maybe my hometown? I lived in a apartment building about 2-3 blocks from the school. Because I would walk to work every day. My apartment was small. A typical "city" apartment. And my parents lived across the street from me. In a ginormous penthouse apartment.

So here I am, going to work. I'm teaching little kids. Maybe 1st graders? And I really like my job. Then boom! I'm 9 months pregnant. And I'm married to "Cowboy."

*So I know this person in real life. But we're not close. We know each other because of other people. We've maybe talked briefly, twice in the last 2 years.*

Anyway, we're married. And happy. In our little apartment. He has some kind of good job, because he has to wear a suit to work every single day. So at this point, I'm not working. But I get up early to iron his clothes and make him breakfast. Hello! 1950's housewife at your service. :)

On this one particular day, he doesn't want to go to work. But I insist. I'm OK. The baby is not coming anytime soon. And I make plans to go shopping with my Mom and my Auntie. Completely out there. Since I haven't seen my Auntie in months! I know, we talked briefly last week. But we've never done anything like this.

Somehow, we end up at my favorite Mexican restaurant. Um, that's a good hour from where I live. But we end up there. And we have this delicious meal. And I go into labor. Somehow my Cowboy husband makes it on time for the birth of our baby. We had a girl. And when we go home a few days later, we live in the middle of the nearby mountains.

It's beautiful. The house is ginormous. And it's so peaceful. Everything is perfect. All the things I have been dreaming about doing to my own house, this house had. It was such a weird dream. I woke up when we put our little girl to sleep.

It was such a weird dream. But I've been having lots of dreams recently about pregnancy. Is my body screaming at me? Telling me that the clock is ticking? I don't know. But um, it ain't happening anytime soon.

I'm not feeling any better from my earlier post. In fact, I know have bright red cheeks. And I feel so hot. But I don't have a temperature. And, I feel a lot weaker. I think I'm just going to stay here. In this nice white and comfy bed. I also feel safer. Knowing that someone is here. Because I'm still having issues breathing. I know, I should go to the doctor already... ♫

Shorts.

These are everyone's summer essentials. Shorts. Me, I haven't worn shorts, in public, for over 9 years! Yes, I'm 27 years old. I'm anywhere between a size 3-7 depending on what's going on. And I don't wear shorts. Did I mention...I live in the desert southwest. Here, it's easily over 100 degrees for almost 60 days a year!

Why don't I wear shorts? Um, I'm not really sure. Maybe because my legs are white as sin. Yes, I know, wearing shorts would help. But when you go from white to red to white, it's horrible! I've never been tan in my life! And then, my legs. I'm just not crazy about them. Sure, I workout a lot. I've got some cute muscular calves. But my thighs. Ugh! I've never liked them. Not when I was 16 years old and a cheerleader. With little to no body fat. Not now at 27 with a trainer that kicks my butt!

So there you go. Me and my evil enemy...shorts. I do wear pj shorts to sleep in. I really enjoy my old cheerleading shorts for working out at home. Never at the gym! But not even in my own yard, do I feel comfortable enough to wear shorts. It's something that I need to get over ASAP. You know, being that it was a cool 101 degrees yesterday. Oh, and the temperature is on the rise again! ♫

2010 Graduates

You know what? I miss a lot of things. Mostly because I live 3+ hours away from my family. And I work 100 hours a week. I can't remember the last graduation party, birthday party, or actual family gathering I went to. Other than the funerals. I pulled every string I could, just to get off for Easter. Heck, I worked on my birthday. Do I feel bad? Yes, I really do! Even if I miss parties for people that don't really talk to me.

Especially this weekend. My cousin's graduation party is today. And so is my friend S's. That one probably hurts most. Because she has overcome so very much to get her degree. Yes, I feel bad. But what can I do? I have to work. At least I know S understands. Because she's been in college. And knows what it takes to get through it.

My family? Probably not. And this is just the beginning. We have 4 more graduation in the family. I think. But, not a single one can I go to. It's tough. For more than one reason. I've missed countless baby showers. Heck, I even missed my cousin's wedding in April. But it's part of life. You have to make sacrifices to achieve your dreams. I have to remember that.

And to be honest, I'm very proud of each of these graduates. I wish that I could buy them each a wonderful card. And send them an amazing gift. But at this point in my life, I'm lucky to put food on my table. Graduating is such a HUGE accomplishment. It should be rewarded and celebrated! And I hope these people realize it. This is the beginning of their lives. Just a stepping stone to the next chapter. I wish them all the luck in world. I love them all. And I hope that they can reach their dreams. ♫

Missed Events

Today, I'm missing my cousin's wedding. And I feel bad. I mean, it's his wedding. And I'm sure, it's going to be his only wedding. I got the invitation weeks ago. But I can't go. Because I have to work. And I feel super bad, missing this big day.

I think what people don't realize is, I don't get a lot of time off of work. And when I can manage some time off, it's usually at a hefty price tag. Like pulling 2-48 shifts in a row, in one week! Because I average 100 hours a week at the hospital. And there's not a lot of flexibility in my schedule.

Seriously, I go to college full time and I work my internships. I also have to manage some time, during the week, to work at my paying job. So I miss a lot of things. Like my favorite cousin's baby shower, than a year later, her son's 1st birthday. I miss tons of birthday parties, weddings, and even a few holidays. But lots of people don't get it. My parents understand. But there have even been times when they don't.

My family happens to not be that understanding of it. Well, not my entire family. Just one side of my family. But whatever. I try. I try and make it back when I can. And soon, graduations are going to be in full swing. And I'm going to miss those too. Mostly because I have to work. And because I don't find out early enough. Before my schedules are made.

It's sad. Because I miss a lot of family events. But it's hard to work in "time off" for parties, when I'm pleading for "time off" for gigs. You know, the things that help pay my bills. So that's life. All I can do is try. And hope that people understand.

As for my cousin and his bride. I wish them a lifetime of happiness and love. I hope to get to meet Jennifer one day. She seems like a very nice girl. You know, from what I've heard. And I've made them a wedding present. Now to just get their address! ♫

Getting Ready for a Gig

When I heard this song...I should have known I was in trouble. You would think I would have learned something by now. No such luck! I was working at J's house earlier. Trying to get paperwork done for this weekend. And the payroll started. And I heard this song...

What does that mean? It's time to sign some contracts. Literally, Mr. Blue Eyes, Daddy Warbucks, and B come into my office. We start signing contracts for our NC gig. The one in May. When we're go for 2 weeks. Good money! But it's all the other stuff that we have to do, that I don't like.

I have to start eating better. Because I need to lose a few pounds. I workout every single day. At the gym...with Steve. My crazy trainer. It's a requirement for my degree. But I like it a lot! It's the eating part that's my downfall. Because I don't eat but maybe once a day. Sometimes not at all. I'm just busy. And like any other college student...poor as dirt. But for the next 2 months, I need to change that. Thank goodness we get half of our pay now. :)

Why? In about a month, we'll do a photo shoot. Promotional pictures for our gig. One of which, I have to wear a bikini and boots. They're having an event at the club were playing at...the "Boots and Bikini Contest." I'm not going to be in it. But that's one of the pictures. The rest, well they're our typical promotional stuff. The band and I. Mini skirts, boots, and tank tops for me. Don't forget the John Deere! And all the head shots that we sign. You would think we were famous or something.

See our gigs aren't just about playing. But we get paid to make appearances, to do "Meet and Greets," and to hangout with the VIPs. So I need to slim down. Being 5'0" tall...5 extra pounds on me look more like 20. So I need to start eating. So I can lose weight. Crazy, I know! But remember, I study nutrition. So I know these things. Oh, and I've done this more than once.

Let's not forget the outfits that the bosses brought. Including the black bikini with skulls on it. So cute! But so small. Oh ya, I don't wear bathing suits! But for at least an hour, I'm going to have to. With red cowboy boots no less! The other outfits weren't too bad.

And this song you ask? It's Mr. Blue Eyes and N's doing. Last Spring, we were getting ready for the same gig, I show up on the morning of the photo shoot. They're blasting "I'm in Miami Trick." I wish I was lying. But I'm not! So this is the song they play while I awkwardly try to strike a pose. This is the part of performing that I don't like. But it's probably the most important part. Please pray for me! ♫