Depression

Over the last few weeks, I've been thinking long and hard about this topic. Why? I feel like it keeps coming up. I've seen family members talk about it, on Facebook. I've heard people, discussing it. And recently, at funerals, there's been a lot of whispering...around this topic.

"Depression...a state of feeling sad, anger, and anxiety. A mood disorder marked by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies."

I looked up that definition. And thought, how many people could fit into that category? How many people that I know. So many! So many of us, just keep moving forward. So many of us, pretending that we're OK.

I'm the Queen of the "I'm Fine" game. "How are you feeling?" "Fine." "How is everything going?" "Fine." "Do you need help with anything?" "No, I'm fine." Because that's how I was raised. To be OK. Not to bother people with my problems. To show people, from the outside looking in, that I was OK.

Until the day...that I wasn't. I can't really explain what happened. How it happened. Or why it happened. I just know, it happened. One day, I was OK. And the next, I wasn't. Not many people know this. But I'm about to share with you, one of the darkest times, of my life.

I was in college. A lot had been happening. I was away from home, for the first time. Hours away from my family. About 2/3 of my friends had moved away. To pursue work, in a bigger field. I had lost 5 pivotal people, in my life. Had 2 major car accidents. One in which, I almost died. Had a major operation. That would alter my life. I wouldn't tell my family about that. And had been held at gunpoint...more times than I can count on my hands.

Life was a little stressful. And I wasn't sure, who I could turn to. I didn't want to damper my friends' spirits. They were so excited about these new adventures. Moving, touring, having the best time. I didn't want to disappoint my parents. Or burden my family. I was falling apart.

And on this particular Thursday morning, I walked into my psychology class. Like I had so many times before. Sat down. And waited for one of my favorite professors, to start teaching.

What I didn't realize was, he was watching me. Studying me. That entire 110 minute class. He knew something wasn't right. When class ended, Dr. D asked me to step into his office. I remember my heart racing. What could this be about?

I would spend the next 4 hours, sitting in a chair, in his corner office...crying. Uncontrollably. He was the first person, to see me fall, completely apart. He saw all the signs that day. Things I would have never imagined. Things he'd watched over the last two weeks. But suddenly, they were screaming at him.

Dr. D would cancel his last class of the day. To talk with me. To make sure, I was OK, to go home. Alone. That I wouldn't hurt myself. He called colleagues of his. To insure, I'd have a doctor the next morning. He set up, all of my care.

I still get emotional, thinking about it. Knowing, this man saved my life. My favorite professor, who talked for days and days. This man, that I'd see at various school functions. That without a second thought, I'd see him and his wife, every single Saturday running up A Mountain. He saved my life.

Dr. D was the person that stopped my train wreck. From the outside, everything appeared to be OK. I went to school every single day. I had straight As, and was on the Dean's List. I worked at the hospital. And doing gigs. Everything seemed to be going great.

But inside, I was broken. Completely, 100%. I would call my parents every day. And for 30 minutes, I'd tell them about all the good things. I made it home, about once every two months. No family visited me. Not even my parents. And it was working out OK. I could hide from everyone.

Now, I was faced, with this demon. The one living inside me. Weighing me down. Eating me alive. Tearing me apart. On that Friday morning, I went to class as normal. Dr. D called the hospital for me, and was able to get me out of work. For the weekend. I went to Dr. D's office. Not only was he a professor, he had a private practice. That is where I went. And where I'd meet Dr. M and Dr. E who would walk this journey with me.

I was going through all of this. And living with chronic pain. In my back and neck. Due to cheerleading. And those recent accidents. I was also experiencing a ton of hip pain. I was not being treated for anything. Didn't even take a Tylenol. I didn't drink. Or do drugs.

All of a sudden, I was in a room. With three professionals. Letting everything out. Telling them about my life. Past and present. I have never cried so much in my life! All of a sudden, it was like the dam had broke. And I couldn't keep anything in. No matter how hard I tried.

I'm a strong person. One that shoulders a ton of responsibility. And every one's problems. But rarely, did I deal with my own emotions. Until that day. By 7PM, I was exhausted! All I wanted to do, was go home. But these three, had other plans for me. They'd rent a hotel suite...and I'd spend my weekend there. We each had our own room. But they could watch over me.

During this weekend, I talked more, than I've ever talked in my life! I cried. I let these people, into my life. In a way, that I had never let anyone else in. And on Sunday evening, we made a plan. One that included 2 hour sessions of therapy, 5 days a week. And prescriptions. The only way, they'd let me go home, was to agree to check in, 3 times a day.

And for the next 6 months, this is what I did. No breaks. No days off. Just dealing with all of this. Learning tools, that I'd use for a lifetime. Tools that would become essential, for my basic life.

I'm grateful for their help. For 10 hours a week, I could be honest. Without being judged. I could just be me. After 6 months, my sessions were reduced. To 1 hour, 5 times a week. It was still a lot. But it was what I needed. I remained on this program for 18 months. For the 6 months that followed, I was weaned to 2, 2 hour sessions a week. A year later, I'd go to therapy like a more normal person. 1, 1 hour session, every other week.

I still take medication. Albeit, it's a lot less. Maybe 1/10 of where I started. And I still have a rough day, from time to time. But I spent a LONG time, dealing with my emotions. Working through my problems. And learning, how to deal with all these stressors.

It was a TON of work! But something I will always be grateful for. When I look back, on the last 7 years, I would have NEVER made it...had I not had this experience. I learned how to deal with all these things. And when my Dad got sick, I needed those tools. I needed to deal with things as they were coming. Emotions and all. And I needed to know, it was OK...to put some things, on the back burner.

Life has not been easy for me. But it has been something, that I learned how to deal with. I can tell you about countless days, were I'd cry on the floor of the shower. When my Dad was sick. Or the hopelessness, I felt when he died. Or the overwhelming feelings I experienced, when my Mom got sick.

But I learned how to deal with my problems. Have there been times, when I scared myself? Yes! During my darkest days, I can remember that familiar drive back and forth. Three hours one way. And going over the large bridges thinking, "Life would just be better without me." Honestly, I felt that way. It's one of the reasons, I was so willing to seek treatment. Those things scared me.

I never actually tried to hurt myself. But I did think things like this. I often wonder, had I not gone through treatment, how would it have ended? Would I have driven my car, off of one of those bridges? Would I have done something worse? Could I have hurt myself?

I don't know. And honestly, I'm glad I'll never know. Because it scares me now. To think of the things I could have done. To think I could have hurt myself. I could have even killed myself. What would that have done, to my family? My friends? And my parents?

It took me, years to let my parents in. To let them know, I had this weakness. This issue, that I had no control over, when it began. But something I worked hard, to deal with. My parents never judged me. Never thought I was less than. They were only supportive.

Have I had relapses? In some small way...yes. I've continued with medication. Like I said, at much lower levels. I've also found other ways of coping. Running, baking, crafting, volunteering, writing letters/notes to people, working on our foundation, work in general, meditating, praying, through music, and with my pup. It's all been helpful.

But even now, I will Skype with one of my 3 doctors...at least once every four months. Just to make sure I'm OK. To talk through issues, I might be going through. To just work through stuff.

When my Dad was sick, I could feel myself slipping. Back into those patterns. I'd live in sweats. Didn't care if 2 or 3 days would go by, without showering. Stopped caring about my appearance, if I ate, or even slept. It was getting rough. The last 6 months, of my Dad's life, I was losing myself.

One day, in the hospital, I saw myself. I'd lost 10 pounds. Didn't care about my appearance. Or about anything other than my Dad. It took me back, to years prior. When I'd been 93 pounds. Alone in my home. Without any cares. I wasn't sleeping. And I just didn't care. It scared me.

During this time, I knew I was losing my Dad. I knew there was nothing I could do. I also knew, life was about to change dramatically. For about 9 months, after my Dad's passing, I was just trying to survive. I was using coping skills, that I'd learned. And just trying to work through all the emotions I was feeling.

Had I not had years and years of therapy, under my belt, I probably would have cracked. Had some sort of breakdown. Who knows what would have happened. But being that raw, didn't scare me. I knew, I could work through it. I had a whole bunch of tools, that I could turn to.

I guess, the reason I wanted to write this post...is to be honest. To let you know, it's OK. If you're going through this, it's OK. There are people willing to help. There are people that have gone through the same things, and come out the other side. Most of all, there are people that care.

Contemplating suicide, at any level...is a real emotion. It's raw. It's difficult. But honestly, it should never be an option. There should ALWAYS be someone to turn to. Someone to help you. Someone, that is on your side.

I think now, how selfish it would have been, for me to drive off of a cliff. But at the time, in a three hour drive...I'd think about it, at least 10 times. Now I realize, had I done that...who would have taken care of my Dad? Or now, my Mom? Where would my crazy dogs be? My family would still miss me. And so would my friends.

But when this disease, has you, in the palm of it's ugly hand...you just can't think straight. If you are struggling. And reading this...send me a message. Let me help you. I WANT TO HELP YOU!!!

People always think, they can yell at you. Get you to snap out of it. Like you are just sad. But you're not, just sad. It's more than that. And you need help. You need a caring hand. Someone to just listen to you. Sometimes, just to sit with you.

Will this be a lifelong battle for me? I'm not sure. I'm nearing a monumental point in my journey. Stopping all medication. But continuing to journal every single day. To meditate. To work on my illness, in other ways. I'm excited. And scared. Scared to death, that I might have some sort of relapse.

But it's definitely time, for me to do this, without medication. To trust my body. And work on my mind. To know, that it has been years, since it's been really bad. That those days of not eating, not caring, and spending all my free time sleeping...are well behind me.

It's a little more complex for me. I was diagnosed with OCD, when I was 7 years old. It's something that I've had to work through. It explains why instead of playing, I'd spend hours organizing my books, as a child. As a teenager, I'd rather hangout alone...than deal with the chaos that too many friends made. Or why in my home, every single thing, had a place. No dish, or spoon, or hair tie was ever out of sorts. Every single surface was scrubbed clean. The yard, looked like I had a gardener.

But when you mix that with depression, it's tough. It makes your mind feel like, a complete world of chaos. All the time! Little things trigger, anger and frustration. Migraines, are just something I deal with, because of all these issues.

But all of these things, don't overwhelm me. They've changed the person I am. And maybe when I do things. Like avoiding Walmart...like the plague, on the weekend. Only doing my grocery shopping, early in the morning. Or just staying home. Because for me, the triggers are stress, chaos, and crowds.

I also know, I want to live. I want to live a long life.  A successful life. And I productive life. I know that one day, I want to have a family of my own. And I want to have these issues, under my belt. Not in the forefront, of my life. As hard as some days are, they are worth it. Just to know, that this is not always my life. I'm full of hope. That tomorrow, I'll be stronger than today. ♫

Life as a Musician...

Life as a musician is NOT always glamorous. Don't get me wrong. I have had many days filled with diamonds, designer clothes, people doting on my every move, private planes, and Penthouse Suites. All unnecessary. But for some of our gigs, that just the way we roll.

But this week, it's been crazy. Monday was full of school stuff. Lots of work, at the DOH, and the hospital. And a last minute flight to Sin City. Followed up with a long rehearsal. I needed to know the music, that I would be teaching. Everyone else had had 8 hours of rehearsal. Yup, I was just trying to keep up! My night didn't end there. Nope. It ended with 2 exams online. And 2 hours of sleep.

Tuesday and Wednesday were fun. I can't help but admit that. Lots of teaching. Spending some quality time with el Maestro. Learning from him, when we weren't teaching. And more rehearsals. But a little bit of the glamour did peek through...

When I wasn't teaching, or practicing, I was enjoying a little bit of Sin City. The amazing food, the glorious Penthouse Suite, and all of my amazing friends. Oh ya! Have I said this before? I get the largest room, and I travel by myself. All by myself. I've asked about this, but no one ever answers me. So I usually let the "Itty Bitties" sleep over. Yes, me and about 10 little girls. Watching cartoons early in the AM! Ordering Room Service full of yummy breakfast treats. Because it's all comped!

Thursday included 6 hours of teaching. Realizing I forgot my bridesmaid's dress. And a mad dash to catch our flight. Back home. Because we were scheduled to perform at 6PM. Rain had a different thing in mind for us. And the Tornado Warning, well that just postponed things too. But we celebrated Little M's 3rd birthday. Enjoyed some cake and ice cream, in one of the ballrooms. Because, we weren't allowed to leave the Convention Center. Not to worry! We could entertain ourselves. :)

Then we played. 2 hours. The rain came. We left. The entire group headed to A's house. About 10 minutes away. To relax. And take everything in. OK, it also included eating. And making fun of one of our friends. He's getting married on Sunday. And was in some major trouble with his mujer.

We headed back to downtown, and we played for about 5 hours. When? At 11:30PM. Because we had to play for El Grito. In the wee hours of the morning, I finally headed to the hospital. To do some work. A few hours later, I headed home. More than an hour away. To shower, grab my dress, and check on my house.

Friday morning, I tried to catch up on Facebook. I was ridiculously behind! I managed to pack my Bridesmaid dress. I even watered my flowers and lawn! Then I met A for breakfast, and we headed out to rehearsal. Oh ya, my car, I haven't driven it since Sunday. I have a sorta major oil leak... :(

Breakfast was extra yummy that day. IHOP. Seriously, I rarely eat there. But those Nutella Crepes, are just like heaven! Our rehearsal wasn't too bad. Or too long. La Senora Adriana was hilarious! As always. And I'm pretty sure she was eying A. Especially when we busted out our fancy dance moves. :)

Then I headed back to the hospital. More work. About 4 hours worth. Then, back to the concert. Where, my friends totally surprised me. With tickets to go see Santana! I LOVE me some Santana! So A and I rushed to his house, to change and head out. Yes, our Compadres bought us tickets, and dinner. As a little Gracias, for being good to their ninitos. :) We've got some incredible friends!

After a delish dinner at PF Changs, we headed off to the concert. Where, let me tell you, we had a BLAST! A and I happen to be, the hilarious 2 of the group. We LOVE to dance. And just have fun. And we did just that. For the entire concert. Santana has still got it!

As we were leaving, we got a call. From our friend and boss. Could we possibly head back to that concert, the one we were supposed to play? Senora Adriana wanted to know what happened to us. And you know, we worked so hard on that dance routine. Seriously?!?!?!

Luckily, we got changed, and to the venue. With about 2 minutes to spare. And the last 2 minutes of the show, some how became another 90 minutes! Have I told you? Los Mexicanos like to celebrate their independencia. But we all had such a great time. It was well worth it.

You'd think we were ready to pass out. Honestly, it sure felt like it. But everyone headed back to A's house. We all needed to get changed. And since he lives closest to the airport, that's where we went. Some of the guys grabbed some food on the way. And we all ate and changed. Their wives, girlfriends, and kiddos were all there too. Why? We were all headed to the airport...

At 3AM, we were ready to head out. Straight for Sin City. Pretty much, everyone on the plane slept. Except me. I had my laptop out. Doing homework, writing a paper, and trying to study. You do it when you can. Right? This is when I'm glad, that my professors rarely ever, have us go to class. Usually, I hate them because of this very thing. But this week, it's been nice to just to my work, and get to do my paying job too!

And that's where you find me. Somewhere high above the Earth. Doing homework, and blogging. While everybody sleeps. A is next to me, holding one of our Goddaughters. Both are out for the count! And I'm typing away. About HFCS and I's/O's. I also have to find time for 2 exams today. Wish me luck!

Because when we land, well get a few minutes, to head back to our rooms at the casino. Get cleaned up. And then, we've got some rehearsals and sound checks. It will be the only rehearsal time, with the performers, that we're backing up tonight. We'll quickly go through a few of our numbers. Then off to a fancy lunch. With the "High Rollers" in Sin City.

Later, we'll have a "Fancy Pants" dinner. And of course our show. Which we're all excited about! I just hope, that I don't fall asleep, during any of this. Oh, and our amigos are getting married tomorrow afternoon. The Mariachi is in the wedding, and playing for it! Can you say...BUSY WEEKEND! But I'll finally get to see this guy again! He's back from Spain. Happy Saturday! ♫

Makes Me Smile

The moment I seen this necklace, I had a smile on my face! It is just the cutest thing ever. The pinwheel reminds me of my childhood. And summer. All those summer evenings that I spent with my Grandma S. Sitting in her porch. Playing with pinwheels.

You know the ones. You would buy them at the store for a dollar. They were made out of a very thin plastic-foil type of material. You'd play with them all summer, and then, you weren't quite sure what happened to them...

This necklace just reminds me of a time past. Filled with laughter and happiness. Now, I'll be saving up my pennies for this little gem. Oh, I just can't wait! ♫

Sisterly Love

If you are someone from my family, you know, I have 8 half siblings. For my entire life, I've been closer to my 2 youngest sisters. Unfortunately, many of my brothers and I, aren't exactly on the same page. But my sisters, they've been there for me.

It's crazy. In the last 12 years or so, I've really lost touch with my hermanas. It makes me so sad. It hardens my heart. And honestly, it makes me feel incomplete. I really wish, that I could get in touch, with my sisters.

My Mom's daughter and I, were never super close. But we got along. And we saw each other when we could. But honestly, it's been nearly 10 years since we've seen each other. That saddens me. So much!

About 2 months ago, I reached out. We sent text messages back and forth. And talked about meeting up. Before she left town. Unfortunately, it didn't work out. I wish it had. I miss my sister. And now, all I can do is hope. That we can reconnect sometime soon.

Then there is my Dad's daughter. We were super close. For years and years, there was rarely a day that would go by, that we didn't see each other. I love my sister so much. We were so close. And it's super sad to say, but we haven't spoken in almost 10 1/2 years!

I think about her all the time. And honestly, I wish I could talk to her. I wish that we'd run into each other. Somewhere. Because I really miss her. We were so close. I miss that. She was the only sibling, that I've ever had, who treated me with love, respect, and care.

Most of all, I miss just hanging out with her. Laughing. Sharing our lives. Cooking together. The simple things. Celebrating our birthdays together. I miss just spending time together. Being sisters and friends. I miss my sister more than words can say.

It's crazy. The older I get, the more I miss my sisters. It's like I need them more. I need them in my life. I want them in my life. If only. If only we were closer. We had more time together. Had a better bond. Didn't have the family issues to deal with.

My sisters mean the world to me. And if I can help mend our broken relationships, I'm all in! If only I had a way to get in touch with them. To build back our broken relationships. To be sisters and friends again. I pray for this every single day! ♫

Oh Mr.

I've been lucky the last few days. My Music Man has been in town, and we've spent some time just hanging out. Catching up, before he leaves, for 6 weeks in Europe!

My Music Man has been working hard. In my hometown. And I got the opportunity to "steal" him away on Friday. His parents and I showed up, and we took him out to dinner. Yum! Was the food delish! And the company was so good. We laughed the entire time. And honestly, I don't think anyone missed him at "work." There was just so much going on. But we did manage to get him back, before the entire event was over.

But it was nice to enjoy time with him and his parents. It doesn't happen much. Actually, it's rare. But definitely a fun time to be had. That is definitely one family I'd love to be a part of. You know what I mean?

On Saturday, Mr. Wonderful there, got me some tickets. I ended up going to the concert by myself. I knew my parents wouldn't be up to it. But I was set to have some fun! Meeting the Mr. and his parents for dinner, just before the show. :) We had a yummy dinner. And prepared for a fun show. Full of beautiful music. And a little singing from My Music Man. It was wonderful! I don't know who the bigger fan was...me, his sister, or his mom. But this guy, had an entire section of fans. And I'm not just saying the 3 of us!

After the concert, my "Wanna-Be-In-Laws" went to gamble in the Casino. We headed to one of the Ballrooms. Which was set up for some "jamming." One thing you should know about our Music Conferences, is there is a ton of "jamming" that happens. Generally, there is a location, where everyone just shows up. Instruments in hand. And you just play. Everyone joins in. Teachers, students, anyone. And we sing. And dance. It really is a lot of fun. And that's what we thought we'd be doing.

Nope. The "Jam Session" turned into a night of dancing. One of the guys, that I worked with in my hometown, well his brother is a DJ. And came out for free. We had a great time. Lots of really good people. Having a lot of fun! And a lot of dancing happening!

Before I knew it, money was coming out of his wallet. Directed at the "Free DJ." To play this song...



A smile found it's way to his lips. My heart melted a bit. And we danced. No lie. I'm turning into one of those women.

Before long, the man with all the chivalry in the world, was punching out that musician. The one neither of us can stand. The one that prevented the Mr. from getting a job. In my hometown. And is now jealous of My Music Man's success. Did I mention? He can't stand me either. The feelings are mutual.

My Music Man has found himself on the other side of "that punch" before. During that time when we weren't talking. When I couldn't stand him. When he was mean as heck! And 'Ol Blue Eyes decked him. During our rehearsal. No lie...

But to see him punch someone else, well that just makes, well wonder. I'm grateful for My Music Man. And all of his good values. Before I knew it, that musician was being dragged out of there. My Music Man was checking to see if I was OK. And well, the rest of the musicians were on our side.

Yes, it's been a complicated and difficult road for My Music Man and I. We've had good times. Really good times. But we've also had really, really, really bad times. There was a two year span, when we didn't even talk. That's how much anger was there.

But whenever I've needed him the most, this man has been there. For whatever it was, that I needed. I'm so thankful. And grateful. That he is in my life. We encounter many people, like that rude musician. And never, not one single time, has he not defended me. My Music Man makes me feel so incredibly special. And worthwhile.

At the end of the night, we said our goodbyes. And got one of those truly amazing hugs of his. I went home with a knowledge, that someone out there, really does love me. Not out of obligation. But out of want. Beyond all the storybook lines, he really does love me. Maybe it's time, to start letting that love in. Into my heart. And really believing him. After 10 years, there's little, that we don't know, about one another. ♫

Celebrating

For a few years now, I've worked on the 4th of July. It's been amazing. I know. It doesn't sound like a good time. But it really is.

First of all, the community is amazing. Always trying to give back. They acknowledge the kids. And their health problems. And their needs. So many businesses offer to help. In any way they can. As in, donating items, giving money, or giving time. Especially for the holidays. This year was no different.

The kiddos enjoyed berry pancakes. Everything had to be red, white, and blue. The kitchen also set up a cookie decorating station. We had crafts. And at noon, DJ J came to broadcast live. Let's just say, he brought the party! Kids were dancing all around. And we had a BBQ.

We convinced the kiddos to chill in the afternoon. Naps, movies, and overall down time. But by the evening, we were back to BBQ-ing. DJ J was still there. He was supposed to go DJ at a club. Instead, he hung out with all of us. Oh, and Ol' Blue Eyes was doing a MAW at our hospital. The kiddos were so excited!

But the best, was after dark. We figured out what kids would stay on the "Play Deck," which would stay inside, and who would get to go on the roof. People were moving around. Getting kids were they needed to be.

Everyone was over the moon! Berry sundaes were delivered. And we waiting on the fireworks. The city really delivered. 5 separate fireworks displays! The kiddos "ooood ad ahhed" until almost midnight! The fireworks were amazing!

And as we wheeled kids back to their rooms, all they could talk about was the day. BBQs, flags, and fireworks. It's nice to give them, a bit of the "normal" life, that they usually miss out on.

Seeing all of this, it makes me grateful. Grateful that I am doing a job, that really makes a difference. God has guided me here. To do good. To make these kids feel better. To make the world a better place.

Some days, I wonder why I'm in this field. It can be so hard. And heartbreaking. Literally, heartbreaking. When we lose a patient, it's like losing a family member. It's tough to see all the suffering. But days like this, make it all worth while. If only, we could give the kiddos, more of their childhood back. ♫

The Incredible Hulk

I never watched "The Hulk." Not the movies. Not the TV show. It just didn't interest me. Not my style of TV time. But when my parents came to visit in March, my Mom found this show. OK, so the fact that I only get 2 English channels, and 6 Spanish ones, might be the reason.

My Mom was looking for something to watch on TV. It was already getting warm outside. OK, it was HOT! And we were looking for something to do. My Dad was taking nap. We found "The Incredible Hulk" on RTV.



My Mom was so excited. She watched every single day, while they were at my house. And I have to admit it, it was a pretty good show. A few times in the next weeks, I watched. And well, I became a fan.

Yes, I work. And 90% of the time, I'm not at home in the middle of the afternoon. But those few days, that I was home, I watched. Yes, I was becoming a fan.

Well, recently, the schedule was changed. Some "Western" now comes out. Ugh! And I was really starting to like this show. But what can you do? I did enjoy it for the last 3 months or so. ♫

Mean

It's been 18 months...

He tells people all the good things. Tries to act like "the good guy." But he's not. And there are some people, that can see through it. They call me and ask me. I'm truthful. If you want to know, just ask. I'll tell you.



This song, the moment I heard it, reminded me of him. Because he's mean. Cruel at times. I know. I've experienced it. He knows the most hurtful things to say. And just when to say them.

But like the song says, one day, I'll be doing better. Living a better life. And where will he be? You know, there are already so many people, that don't want to be around him. He's going to be all alone.

It's sad. A person like this can damage so many lives. Hurt so many people. Be so deceitful. Can literally ruin a family. But I won't let him ruin me. I'll prove to him, that I'm a better person. I will make more of my life.

It's horrible to have to feel this way. And to know the real reason. But I can't change it. He doesn't give me reasons to change it. All I can do is, pray. And let God take care of it.

I guess the craziest part is, he wants to go to my house. Yes, my house! Really?!?!?! Because that will never, ever happen. Not when I know the truth. When I know that he sent an ex-con my way. Trying to intimidate me. It didn't work.

But one day, people will know the truth. They'll know the kind of person that he is. The kind of things that he does. They will know the facts. All I really know is, I'm not going to let him get me down. Not for one more day. I'm stronger than this. And I will prove that much. ♫

I Have a Secret...

I almost got married once. Only a handful of people know about this. Until now. But ya, little 'ol me, once almost got married. Here's the story...

When I was a freshman in college, I was juggling a lot. It was the first time I lived on my own, I was in college, had a new mortgage, worked a "real" job, had to figure out how to do laundry, I pumped my own gas for the very first time, and "really" cooked! I was just trying to survive. Oh, and then, 9/11 happened. That changed a lot. 9/11 would change a lot about my future education plans. Things that I never thought would change...they changed!

Some time between starting college, and 9/11, I met him. My Music Man. The one man, that would haunt my life...and at times, save me from myself. He was that man that every single female fell for. Every SINGLE one! Which isn't horrible when you work for tips...you know, as a Mariachi. But from the beginning, I never felt “worthy” of being around him. Like I wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t the way he acted, or treated me. But the way other people viewed him.

We became fast friends. Spent lots of time before and after rehearsals together, laughing and talking. Before long, we were in the same Mariachi, spent at least 40 hours a week together. And learned how to pack food in our luggage. Anything to save a few pennies, to pay for college. Yes, we took oranges, peanut butter, and crackers with us to Orlando. Because we were poor…

Ya, we figured out that I cheered at his old high school. At least 8 times a year. My Music Man is 3 years older than me. But he still went to his old high school’s games, after he graduated. During the time when I was on my high school's varsity cheer team. He went because his younger brother went to the games. His brother is younger than me.

Yes, we had met years before. When I cheered. And he was trying to figure out how we (the cheerleaders) could bend “like that.” And how in the heck, could we pull off those tricks. And why in the heck would we cheer, in the middle of a snowstorm, in tiny skirts. We were hardcore cheerleaders. The ones from his high school, they rarely went to the games. And our coach, well she thought that cheerleading was our life. We didn’t miss a thing. Including the Band Competing in the “Battle of the Bands.” Yes, we cheered for that! :P

So ya, we met. We actually shared a meal. Because 5 of us, and our coach got stuck, in his hometown. And we were stuck at Wendy's. Eating French fries and Frosties, at 2AM, during a snowstorm. We had met. He actually bought us real food. As in meals. I remember him telling us, “You ladies need a proper dinner. I saw how hard you worked. Very talented.” The only guy on our team was with us. And he was not impressed. I remember him calling him a Jack A#@. Under his breath of course. Did I mention? He was also my best friend. Somewhere between passing out the food, and going for ketchup, My Music Man asked me, for my phone number. And I gave him, a friend's phone number. Instead of mine. :)

But in college, it was different. He made my heart skip a beat. My tummy would get butterflies. And well, it just felt “right.” Hilariously, we were set up together. To sing. Lots and lots of duets. Which required a crap load of rehearsal time. And a bit of acting...

We started to realize things. Like he lived a few blocks down the road from me. Any given day, we were both happy to be eating Ramen noodles. Yes, we were those "Poor College Students." He walked to school, to save money on parking. I spent hours in the library, trying to save money on books. We both enjoyed old movies, and the craziest jokes. Running was our second favorite past time, to music of course! And hunting, fishing, and camping...well to both of us, it's just a part of life. :) Let’s not forget Salsa dancing. And the occasional midnight, ice cream run. :)

I also had a roommate that was making life horrible. So I needed someone to vent to. To tell how frustrated I was. Because I did everything in the house. All the cleaning. My food was frequently stolen. Things were being broken. No one cleaned but me. And well, my roomie wasn't doing anything. So I vented to My Music Man. Who listened. Really listened. And at the perfect moment, gave me one of those big bear hugs. Remedy to all!

Then, one day, we were talking to some friends. They had recently gotten married. And now, 90% of their tuition, books, and fees were paid for. Why? Because they were a married couple. HELLO!!! The bells were going off. We had this amazing idea...

It was the end of January. I was a freshman in college. I needed money. WE needed money! Ya, I had scholarships. But well, I needed help living. You know, once in a while, I wanted to eat a decent meal. So the idea was born.

We decided to get married. Nothing else would change. He'd stay in his $1000/month apartment. The entire place could fit into my living room. No lie! And I'd stay in my home. But school, it would be completely paid for. Completely! It sounded like heaven. :)

Being the chivalrous man that he is, My Music Man decided to take things into his hands. He paid for our blood tests. Yes, our state requires them. And he footed the bill for the license. He also went to an Antique Store, and bought us rings. They were the perfect fit. No sizing required! Quite beautiful, if I say so myself. :) We were all set. Our appointment with the Justice of the Peace was set. 4PM on a Friday afternoon. It gave us enough time to make it legal, and still make it to our Mariachi gig. How very romantic we are! :P

Well, our vocal lesson lasted longer than it should have. And we couldn't find a parking. Which made us late. And we missed our appointment! We couldn't wait another 30 minutes for the last appointment. We'd be late to work. So we figured we'd try again, the next week.

God had other plans. You see, My Music Man's Dad, is good friends with a certain Indian Chief. Who signed a certain paper, declaring that a certain man was at least 33% Native American. This allowed the government to pay for his entire tuition, fees, and books. And he got a monthly stipend. This happened on Monday. 3 days after our original wedding date.

So now, we didn't have to get married. His school was paid for. And with that extra money, well he paid for gas. To get us to work. You know, we had to travel, at least 50 miles one way, to gigs. And we did this 4-5 times a week. I also had a steady stream of food. We now lived off of PB&J sammies, or bean burritos. We were really living it up!

In the years that have followed, actual “real” proposals have happened. With big diamond engagement rings and all. So fancy! He's gone on to bigger and better things. Traveling the world, performing his beautiful music. Making a 7 figure salary. Touring with amazing performers. As the jobs have gotten better, the rings have gotten even bigger. And I've still said nothing…

I'm not sure what it is. But I don't want him to "settle." Or feel obligated to me. I started thinking about this recently. Because we had a serious conversation. And we also went down “Memory Lane.” Because he was getting ready to sell one of his cars. And we found a small box. With that beautiful ring.

The one that he bought. At that dusty Antique Store. The original ring. That would have made me his Mrs. And he my Mr. We had planned this, to pay for school. But he's not the kind of man, that would just walk away. I've always known that. Had we gotten married, all those years ago, we'd probably have 2.5 kids by now. With some dogs running around. In a beautiful home. My Music Man providing for his family. Allowing me, to live out my dreams. Because, he's that "Old Fashioned Man."

I'm not sure if our path was a good one, or a bad one. Or if we really should have just gotten married. Could you have imagined how we would have told our families...talk about insanity! We may have killed my Dad on the spot! And his family…well I don’t even know what to say. Did I forget to mention, just 6 weeks later, we were in Sin City. Oh ya baby! We almost took the plunge again. This time, I don't really know what prompted it. But we were standing in the “Little White Chapel.” Calling some friends. Apparently, you need a witness or two. :P Instead of saying "I do," we shared a mini wedding cake.

Out of all the men I've ever known, he is probably the only one, that I really saw myself, having a life with. Envisioning our life together. All those conversations we've had. Talks about how many kids, where to live, careers, finances, and religion. All of those things. By the way, we wanted 3, maybe 4 kids. And 2 dogs. :)

But in the end, I'm just not sure. I don't think I could ever really give 100% of myself to anyone. I'm just not that person. And honestly, he needs that kind of a woman. He was meant to be an amazing husband and father. That much I know.

After nearly 10 years, I know that much. That this man, no matter what he says, needs that kind of a woman. That gives 100% of herself. And as much as I want to be a SAHM and wife, I'm just not sure we were meant for one another. But, I thank God every single day for him. He is definitely one of my very best friends. We've had our good times, but we've also had some of the worst times together. And we've made it out of those bad times. Actually, those bad times, made our bond stronger. Much stronger. He knows some of my deepest, darkest secrets. The things I’m most afraid of. And I know all about his dreams for the future.

Who knows. One day, I might just show up, in my hometown. Newly married. I might still become that "barefoot and pregnant woman." His Mrs. and “Baby Mama.” The one that gives up her career, to be the SAHM. You know the one. That makes all the class snacks, goes on every field trip, and has dinner on the table...when her hubby gets home. I guess you just never know what My Music Man and I will do. There have been so many opportunities. You just never know...



And just a little bit of fun. But really I like that song. You know, our life paths are not set in stone. Not yet anyway! I might just pick up and do something silly. Like let myself fall in love. There is still a little bit of hope out there. ♫

Thinking About Summer Nights

You'd think, that after all that cooking last week, I wouldn't want to eat. Well, you're wrong! I'm seriously craving a yummy fresh salad. Like this. Garden fresh. I just wish that my garden would produce some yummy tomatoes, and basil. Yum! Just looking at this salad, makes me think of warm summer nights. How about you? ♫

Top Styler

Have you ever heard of Top Styler? I hadn't. Until M brought them to work one day. And well, they've become my new best friends! They're an amazing new hair tool. And for someone like me, they're perfect. Because I'm not going to sit there and curl my hair, with a curling iron.

M got them for free. To try them out. As a MUA/hairstylist, she gets lots of new things. Things to try out before they are available to the public. Well, we've used them for 3 big shows. Actually, 3 big weeks of events. Possibly 4. And this system works so well!.

After our trip to NC, Ol' Blue Eyes sent me a set. I think I may have mentioned to him, that this curlers had changed my life. I just needed to cough out the $100. But I didn't have to. I told you I had an amazing boss!

Anyway, this product is amazing! Essentially fool proof. You stick your hair in the clams, and let them cool. Your hair, well it stays amazing all day long! The curl lasts for hours. Which for me, is a big deal. The curl usually doesn't last.

I don't recommend much from infomercials. I don't purchase much from infomercials. But I would have purchased these curlers. No lie! They're that good. A little steep in price...$100 for the set. But well worth it. They make my life so much easier! ♫

Letting Love In

The thing about life is, it's always changing. It never stays the same. Therefore, we must change with it.

Almost a year ago, my youngest sister wanted to meet for lunch. Or something like that. But I wasn't feeling it. At that point, it had been almost 9 years since I had last seen her. And honestly, my heart was not in the right place for reconnecting.

I've struggled a lot with siblings in the past. The last 2 years, they've tested me more times than I'd like to admit. Generally, they've just hurt me. And I just wasn't in the place to deal with another round of hurt. Not from a sibling at least.

But yesterday, my heart melted a little. Maybe it was the news about Tatie. Or the fact that I've been surrounded by this amazing family. My boss' family. And you feel all the love. And I said to myself, "I want that relationship. I want to be close to at least one of my siblings. I want to trust them."

So I extended the invitation. At least the thought of it. Plans are not finalized. But the wheels are in motion. And I have a little secret to tell you. I'm super excited about it! I really want to see my big sister. I want to reconnect. I want to have a relationship with her.

It may sound crazy. Or like I'm nuts. But I do want these relationships. I was raised as an only child. And honestly, most of my siblings would rather I die right here, right now, than to even talk to me. But I've learned. In 28 years, that it's not about me. It's about family situations.

So if there is a way, to just build one healthy relationship, I'm going to try. I want that. I want to have someone to share life with. To include in my family. I want a sibling to share with. Most of all, I just want a chance with my big sister. ♫

Blue

It's funny. When ballet flats became the "it shoe," I hated them! All of them. These days, it's either stilettos or ballet flats. Funny how things come full circle.

Well, I've been hunting for some fun shoes. Something bright. Full of "life." I'm thinking, I may have inherited the "shoe gene" from my Mom. :) But honestly, they just make me happy. Especially when much of my "work attire" is pretty boring. Pencil skirts, button up blouses, blazers...you know. Not that fun.



Then when I get to just hangout, I lean towards leggings and big shirts. Or jeans and t-shirts. So shoes, they're the "party and fun" part of my outfits. And honestly, I've been so inspired by all the Mexican Shoe Stores around here. Now, if only I could find the perfect blue shoes...♫

Peace and Quiet

It's funny. I yearn, honestly yearn, for peace and quiet. It's funny because my life is so chaotic. So full and jam packed. I have little time to myself. Even less time to be in peace and quiet. But I yearn for that time.

I'm one of those people, honest to God, that wouldn't go crazy if I lived in the middle of nowhere. I would actually thrive. If I went days without seeing people, it wouldn't bother me. Not one bit. Why? I have absolutely no clue. But it wouldn't.

That part that makes me laugh is, I'm constantly surrounded by people. Constantly! At work, at school, even at church. And I thoroughly enjoy it. I enjoy helping people. Nursing babies back to health. Talking to their parents. Experiencing new things through music.

But I'm a "loner." To the deepest part of my soul. I like to be alone. I like to sit and reflect. Listen to myself from the inside out. I like to write in my journal, every morning. Without fail. I enjoy long, quiet runs. And digging in my garden at sunrise. It's not out of the ordinary, to find me quietly sitting in my backyard, at midnight.

Or even curled up with my favorite book. The house dead silent. Just me and my latest book. I yearn for that. The time when my soul rejoices! And actually heals itself. The time when I am free to just be me. When I listen to my thoughts. Not the world.

I don't get much of this. If I'm lucky, I still 5 minutes a week. For just me. Without all that outside noise. Even my commutes are jammed with phone calls, studying, or practice. So maybe, that's why I long for these times. When I can shut the world out.

The next month, well it's going to be chaos. Final exams, clinicals, presentations, traveling, work, hospital stuff, taking care of family, time with friends, and lots of celebrations. But I'm promising myself this, in a month, I'm shutting the world out. Even if it's just so I can stare at my flower garden. ♫

Reflecting

After the busy, nonstop, and exciting week that I had, I want to just stop and relax. To reflect on the good in my life. The positives. All that I've accomplished. All that I've been blessed with.

I often hear things like, you have it so easy. Your parents do it all for you. Blah, blah, blah. But I don't think people realize, just how much I work. How I am the one that foots the bills. I pay for school. I do those things. To save money, I walk to school every single day. Even when we had snow. Or when it's 104 degrees. I do that.

But I'm OK with it. Because I'm an adult. And it's what adults do. They take care of themselves. It's not always easy. Heck, there are days. Very bad days. When I just want to give up. When the hospital stuff is just too much. When I've been pushed to my limits. Held by gunpoint. When I have stacks of homework to do. And I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. When I'm tired. When I'm barely able to buy a box of macaroni. But I never give up.

God has such grace for us. Kindness, love, and support. He keeps us going, even when we can't keep ourselves going. He sends us special people. Amazing friends. Great mentors. Even perfect strangers. All to show us the way. To help us on our journeys. To love us. To help us. And even to shoulder some of our burdens.

I know this first hand. I've experienced it. I'm not looking to be any one's hero, or angel. But I will help people, as much as I possibly can. Because I know I have a God to depend on. A God that is there for me. Even when I feel so alone. So I'll take care of my friends' kids, on those days when I know they need a break. I'll buy groceries for a hungry mom and her kids. Even if it means I go home with nothing. And it's me, that makes all those things for the kids in PEDS, the PICU, and the NICU. Because it makes me feel better, deep inside, were it matters most.

Maybe it's the fact, that I spent almost a week, with truly kindhearted people. That wanted nothing more, than to share their wealth. And I don't mean money. I mean time, love, and talents. I spent so much time with my favorite itty bitties. Just soaking up, all of their love. Learning so much from these innocent children.

But today, I woke up, with a new attitude. One of purity, honesty, open heartiness, full of love, and wanting to do better. I've struggled with a heavy heart. Especially towards my family, for a while now. Maybe it's the way they put me down, the things they say about me, or just the way I'm treated. But I've carried this heavy heart, for far too long now.

I want to be better. I want to do better. I want to be a better person. I want to be a forgiving person. Not for the other people, but for me. I want to let go. And let things just be. I want to be a happier person.

Over the years, I've learned how to do that with friends. To let them go. Even when I didn't want to. Realizing, the ones that truly care, well, they never really go away. A great example is My Music Man. As much as I have pushed him away, he's fought to be part of my life. He truly wants to be in my life.

And I need to do this. I need to be graceful enough to stop holding the hurt. For those siblings that honestly hurt me, so painfully so, I need to let go of it. It doesn't mean that I have to tolerate their actions. But I also don't have to hold on to all of that hurt and pain.

Most of all, I need to continue to pray for God's love and guidance. To allow him to show me the way. To lead me towards the good in life. To help me make my talents stronger. If it's medicine I'm meant to work in, I know, God will help me find the way. Finances and all. He's always been here.

But as much as I need and want to do all of this, I need to remember me. I need to start putting me and my needs ahead of others. Because I never do. How can I be a better person, if I never work on me? How can I be strong enough to take care of others, if I'm not taking care of me? I need to learn how to be better to myself.

Days like today, remind of how blessed I am. But they also show me how far I still need to go. God's journey for us, well it takes a lifetime. We're never really done. But with each new step, we grow. Stronger, more loving, and into better souls. ♫

Vintage Dresses

I'm not talking about dresses I'd wear today. Oh no! I'm talking about all those dresses I wore as a little girl. They seem to be making a comeback. Have you noticed? Lots of bloggers are hunting for them. I read about "Vintage Lovers" searching high and low. And you see so many little girls wearing these cute dresses.



Just take a look at this picture. I swear, I wore almost all of those dresses! And this is not a picture I took. Rather, one that I found online. But look at these fun dresses. From times past. When life was easier. And do we dare say, full of a lot more fun!

I know, I know. Most little girls didn't have the number of clothes, dolls, and books that I did. But those little dresses, were definitely my favorite! A number of which, my Mom mad for me. And although, some have been lost through the years. Thanks to relatives that never returned them. :( I still have a number of these precious gems. Who knows, one day, my own daughter might be running around in my favorite dresses! ♫

28

Woo hoo! We made it. I've been blogging for a year! I can't believe it. Thanks to all the people who actually read my posts. It means so much. And I really do appreciate all the e-mails I get.

So I was trying to figure out what to blog about today. Not only is it this blog's 1st Anniversary, but it's also my 28th birthday. :) Yay! I decided I'd post a list of 28 things, for 28 years, that you probably don't know about me. Here goes nothing...

♥ Key Lime Pie is my favorite pie ever!
♥ I don't know how to swim.
♥ Sundays are my favorite day of the week. Because I go to church, have "Pancake Sundays," and watch NASCAR races. Best day ever! :)
♥ I secretly dream of being a "Housewife" and "Stay-at-Home Mommy."
♥ I can easily turn a watermelon into an "Agua de Sandia." And drink the whole thing. All in the same day!
♥ Anything with polka dots, makes me smile.
♥ When I need to relax and think things through, I go for a run. A long run. At least 5 miles, cross country.
♥ I paint the entire interior of my house. At least once a year. Usually in the same colors. :)
♥ I could live in pj bottoms, knee high socks, and Hanes tank tops. So comfy! Too bad I have to leave the house.
♥ I HATE feet! I just can't stand to look at them. Including my own.
♥ One day I found these candy bars. And I fell in love. So much so, I bought 2 cases from the Dollar Tree. And froze them. Good thing too! They stopped making them. And that makes me sad.
♥ I secretly count down the days, until the next episode of Teen Mom.
♥ I cheer for the bulls, not the bull riders, in the PBR.
♥ I can't sleep, without hugging something. Like a pillow. I'm not joking!
♥ In every room in my house, I have a calendar.
♥ I get excited to buy seeds, bulbs, and plants.
♥ Until I was 18, I had no clue how to do laundry. I had absolutely no clue, how to work a washing machine. I'm not lying!
♥ At Easter time, I buy boxes of Dove Truffle Eggs. They're a little piece of heaven. And I anxiously wait for them to come out, every single year!
♥ I've worn the same toe ring, since I was a sophomore in high school. I've never taken it off. Is that odd?
♥ I secretly LOVE Lonesome Dove!
♥ Sweet Potato Fries are AMAZING!
♥ I've always wanted my own library. In my house. Because I love books, and reading that much!
♥ Little Dorrit is one of my favorite PBS shows. Yes, I LOVE PBS. And so many of their shows.
♥ I LOVE going to the Dentist! I don't know why. But I get so excited when I go. :)
♥ My sister bought me this set of books when I was 7 years old. I've read them so many times. And eventually got hooked on the PBS series too!
♥ I once worked here. For nearly a year. It was interesting...
♥ One of my favorite treats is COSTCO pizza and the berry smoothies.
♥ I like to eat lunch at the graveyard. Yes, I take my lunch, to my families' graves. And just hangout with them. :)

There you go. Did you learn anything new? I know, I'm a little weird. But I'm me. And I'm 100% OK with that. Now I'm off to enjoy mi cumpleanos! ♫

He Makes Me Smile

There is this one man, that just makes me smile. The same way that King George sends my Mom over the edge, Josh just makes my day. There is something about this crooner. It's a little about his looks. But way more about his deep voice. Oh my!



So on this Funday Friday, I'm taking a moment to not just listen to my favorite singer, but to watch his video. Now if I could just find a man in "real life" that has a voice like his... ♫

Failing...

I'm pretty sure I have a problem. A HUGE problem. I'm afraid to fail. At anything and everything. Not quite, but pretty close. That has lead to this crazy perfectionist issue that I have. Everything needs to be perfect, have it's place, or it's time. If not, I'm going nuts.

In general, I'm an "all or nothing" kind of a woman. Is that bad? I'm not sure. But it can't be good. So here I am. "all or nothing" all of the time. I'm never OK with things being halfway done. Failure is just not an option for me.



And as good as that can sound, it really is not a good idea. Because there are so many things, that I just refuse to try or experience. Because what if I'm not that good at them?

One thing that really comes to mind is relationships. I want to control lots of things in my life. I'm not a control freak. I don't try to control people either. But I don't want to invest all that time and effort, into something that could possibly fail.

Maybe my family has a lot to do with that. Divorce in my family is really common. Ridiculously so. My parents are both on their 2nd marriage. As are my maternal grandparents. I have so many siblings and cousins that can't get it right either. Really good friends (who are great people) that can't seem to make the right choices, in relationships. So I get nervous, and let's face it, scared. So I avoid the subject.

Quite like I avoid other things in my life. Like standing up to my parents about my future plans. You know, college, where I'll live, what I'll do. I just tell them, what I know, they want to hear. Lord help us all, if I do start dating, anytime soon. If Mr. Right comes along. If I really chase after MY DREAMS...

This not wanting to fail thing is so bad, that I do avoid certain things. Like that opportunity for that Crafting Show. Or the chance at a real career in music. Because "what if?" It's horrible. It's a crutch that I need to get rid of. But how?

I'm good at a lot of things. Because I push myself. There's school, my job, music, household things, cooking, baking, gardening, sewing, crocheting, writing, decorating...the list can go on and on. But there are so many other things that I am just in fear of. The kind of fear that almost paralyzes you. Like riding a horse...

After talking with my Commadre L, I realized I need to let go of this fear. So what if a relationship fails. If I gave it my all, I know that was all I could do. And if I try and tile my bathroom and it doesn't work out, I can chalk that up to a "lesson learned." I just need to believe in myself. Deep down in my soul. I need to believe in me. Sometimes, failure is part of the game of life. ♫

He Still Has My Heart

No matter how much I try, he has my heart. My whole heart. Yes, he does. No matter the distance, the time that passes, or the things that happen in our lives. He has my heart in his hands. And honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. Who knows...one day...he might just be the one. :)

Maybe it's my humbug attitude as of late. Or my unwillingness to go home. The fact that I just don't want to be around other people. Whatever it is, he understands. Even from 1000s of miles away, he gets that. Has just the perfect things to say. Those things that make me feel better about myself.

And it's when I see him, and my heart does that silly little thing, that's when I know. When he tells me I'm beautiful. You know, when I have the flu, a fever, no makeup, my hair is a hot mess, and I've been wearing the same pjs for 2 days. Yes, that's when it counts the most. That and the chicken noodle soup that he's brought over. Because he is convinced that it will make me feel better.

But it goes deeper than that. He's the man I turn to when my world falls apart. The one person who just lets me cry, when I need it. Who comforts me, as I lose yet another important person in my life. My biggest cheerleader, when all I want to do is give up. He is all those things. And so much more.

It's funny how much we've been through. Sharing a stage. Learning from our mistakes. Challenging each other. Celebrating each other's victories. And helping each other to reach our goals. Money, popularity, and all that crap, it's never mattered. What's mattered, is each other.

Sometimes we falter. Sometimes we fall. We've gone months without talking. At some point, I'll admit it, I hated him. But that's in the past. All in the past. Because every time I've needed him, he's been here for me. Whether I've asked him to, or not.

It's nice to know. Especially when I had a crazy person hunting me down. And no one to depend on. I had him. Who else takes off 2 months of work to just make sure I'm OK? Not many people. But that's the difference. This man has respect, love, and knowledge to share. That's what I need. Along with a sense of security. He provides all of that.

Is it funny that we still argue about cakes? Yes. But eventually, I'll bake him a cake. Maybe even for his birthday. Is it strange that I pick up his mail when he's gone...and on tour? Maybe. But I think it's funny, that his neighbors think I live there. That I'm their neighbor too.

Our relationship is complicated. Strange. And, well not common place. But it works for us. The 2 musicians that grew up, more alike than not. The 2 people that probably should just give in to this thing. But you know, we're both pretty hard headed. For now, this works. In a year...maybe it won't.

You just never know where life will take you. Will he be living in FL again? Will I move to NC? Or we just might be a little nuts and say, both careers aren't the right thing for us. I guess only time will tell.

But today, I'm just happy to know he's on my side. He's still the man that calls to chat at 2AM, because he knows I can't sleep. Or the man who shows up at my house, to help out in my latest round of painting. Ya, it's that time of year. My house needs a new coat of paint.

That's the 2 of us. Singing those ubber romantic duets one minute, the next laughing at some ridiculous thing we seen. What really happens under the sombrero? Nothing. The 2 of us trying not to laugh. Ask anyone in the band. The audience can't see. But we all know. It's part of the act. At least 50% of it.

Chemistry? Well you can't deny that. But it's not the beginning and end of us. We're both more complicated. And a whole heck of a lot funnier. What can I say. And to think, after all this time, I've had this hombre right under my nose. And no matter what we try to do, we keep finding our way back to one another... ♫