Reflecting

After the busy, nonstop, and exciting week that I had, I want to just stop and relax. To reflect on the good in my life. The positives. All that I've accomplished. All that I've been blessed with.

I often hear things like, you have it so easy. Your parents do it all for you. Blah, blah, blah. But I don't think people realize, just how much I work. How I am the one that foots the bills. I pay for school. I do those things. To save money, I walk to school every single day. Even when we had snow. Or when it's 104 degrees. I do that.

But I'm OK with it. Because I'm an adult. And it's what adults do. They take care of themselves. It's not always easy. Heck, there are days. Very bad days. When I just want to give up. When the hospital stuff is just too much. When I've been pushed to my limits. Held by gunpoint. When I have stacks of homework to do. And I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. When I'm tired. When I'm barely able to buy a box of macaroni. But I never give up.

God has such grace for us. Kindness, love, and support. He keeps us going, even when we can't keep ourselves going. He sends us special people. Amazing friends. Great mentors. Even perfect strangers. All to show us the way. To help us on our journeys. To love us. To help us. And even to shoulder some of our burdens.

I know this first hand. I've experienced it. I'm not looking to be any one's hero, or angel. But I will help people, as much as I possibly can. Because I know I have a God to depend on. A God that is there for me. Even when I feel so alone. So I'll take care of my friends' kids, on those days when I know they need a break. I'll buy groceries for a hungry mom and her kids. Even if it means I go home with nothing. And it's me, that makes all those things for the kids in PEDS, the PICU, and the NICU. Because it makes me feel better, deep inside, were it matters most.

Maybe it's the fact, that I spent almost a week, with truly kindhearted people. That wanted nothing more, than to share their wealth. And I don't mean money. I mean time, love, and talents. I spent so much time with my favorite itty bitties. Just soaking up, all of their love. Learning so much from these innocent children.

But today, I woke up, with a new attitude. One of purity, honesty, open heartiness, full of love, and wanting to do better. I've struggled with a heavy heart. Especially towards my family, for a while now. Maybe it's the way they put me down, the things they say about me, or just the way I'm treated. But I've carried this heavy heart, for far too long now.

I want to be better. I want to do better. I want to be a better person. I want to be a forgiving person. Not for the other people, but for me. I want to let go. And let things just be. I want to be a happier person.

Over the years, I've learned how to do that with friends. To let them go. Even when I didn't want to. Realizing, the ones that truly care, well, they never really go away. A great example is My Music Man. As much as I have pushed him away, he's fought to be part of my life. He truly wants to be in my life.

And I need to do this. I need to be graceful enough to stop holding the hurt. For those siblings that honestly hurt me, so painfully so, I need to let go of it. It doesn't mean that I have to tolerate their actions. But I also don't have to hold on to all of that hurt and pain.

Most of all, I need to continue to pray for God's love and guidance. To allow him to show me the way. To lead me towards the good in life. To help me make my talents stronger. If it's medicine I'm meant to work in, I know, God will help me find the way. Finances and all. He's always been here.

But as much as I need and want to do all of this, I need to remember me. I need to start putting me and my needs ahead of others. Because I never do. How can I be a better person, if I never work on me? How can I be strong enough to take care of others, if I'm not taking care of me? I need to learn how to be better to myself.

Days like today, remind of how blessed I am. But they also show me how far I still need to go. God's journey for us, well it takes a lifetime. We're never really done. But with each new step, we grow. Stronger, more loving, and into better souls. ♫