Failing...

I'm pretty sure I have a problem. A HUGE problem. I'm afraid to fail. At anything and everything. Not quite, but pretty close. That has lead to this crazy perfectionist issue that I have. Everything needs to be perfect, have it's place, or it's time. If not, I'm going nuts.

In general, I'm an "all or nothing" kind of a woman. Is that bad? I'm not sure. But it can't be good. So here I am. "all or nothing" all of the time. I'm never OK with things being halfway done. Failure is just not an option for me.



And as good as that can sound, it really is not a good idea. Because there are so many things, that I just refuse to try or experience. Because what if I'm not that good at them?

One thing that really comes to mind is relationships. I want to control lots of things in my life. I'm not a control freak. I don't try to control people either. But I don't want to invest all that time and effort, into something that could possibly fail.

Maybe my family has a lot to do with that. Divorce in my family is really common. Ridiculously so. My parents are both on their 2nd marriage. As are my maternal grandparents. I have so many siblings and cousins that can't get it right either. Really good friends (who are great people) that can't seem to make the right choices, in relationships. So I get nervous, and let's face it, scared. So I avoid the subject.

Quite like I avoid other things in my life. Like standing up to my parents about my future plans. You know, college, where I'll live, what I'll do. I just tell them, what I know, they want to hear. Lord help us all, if I do start dating, anytime soon. If Mr. Right comes along. If I really chase after MY DREAMS...

This not wanting to fail thing is so bad, that I do avoid certain things. Like that opportunity for that Crafting Show. Or the chance at a real career in music. Because "what if?" It's horrible. It's a crutch that I need to get rid of. But how?

I'm good at a lot of things. Because I push myself. There's school, my job, music, household things, cooking, baking, gardening, sewing, crocheting, writing, decorating...the list can go on and on. But there are so many other things that I am just in fear of. The kind of fear that almost paralyzes you. Like riding a horse...

After talking with my Commadre L, I realized I need to let go of this fear. So what if a relationship fails. If I gave it my all, I know that was all I could do. And if I try and tile my bathroom and it doesn't work out, I can chalk that up to a "lesson learned." I just need to believe in myself. Deep down in my soul. I need to believe in me. Sometimes, failure is part of the game of life. ♫