Whoa!!!

This is the post, were I get all crazy, and heavy on emotion. If you're not prepared for that, you might not want to read this.

I don't know what it is. I'm not a person that lives life, by the numbers. You know, I didn't care when I turned 21. Yes, my friends and I were in Las Vegas. But we were there to work. I was just happy to get my favorite mini wedding cake. :) So when I turned 30, just a few weeks ago...it literally came and went. No "BIG" excitement.

I got phone calls from family and friends. A ton of messages on FB, and Twitter. It was nice. But it was just another day for me. Maybe because my parents, never really made a big deal about birthdays, when I was growing up. Maybe because my Dad never remembered, it was my birthday. Or that there has been so many family issues going on, that I just didn't care.

But something has been missing. And I wasn't quick, to figure it out. Until yesterday. It got me thinking. 12 years ago, I thought I'd be married by 20. Done with school by 22. And would have a couple of kiddos running around my home, by 25. Yes, I've accomplished a lot. Received more than 1 degree. Debt free, I might add. I've paid off my home. And my car. But something has been missing...

Yesterday, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe because I got to spend a few hours, with these cute twins. And honestly, all  my friends...and their kiddos. Maybe it's because, I'll be in a friend's wedding this weekend. As the "Maid of Honor." For the umpteenth time. Maybe it was my sweet Goddaughter's meltdown on Monday night.

I don't know. I can't pinpoint the exact reason. Just that something has been feeling "wrong" for a while. I mean, even 6 months ago, I wasn't this miserable. But now, I run from one crazy place to another. I'm taking care of a sick parent. Trying to juggle 100+ hours of work. School stuff. Writing for a magazine. And a newspaper. Endless paperwork for my parents. Running errands. Crazy traveling schedules. Really, I don't have much "down time." And I'm starting to get resentful, because of it.

Remember how I told you, that by 25 I thought I'd be married, a mommy, and well the "Keeper of the Home." But it hasn't happened. Honestly, I thought I'd be that mujer. That would get up early. Make her hubby breakfast, see him off to work. Spend my days breastfeeding, changing cloth diapers, doing said hubby's laundry, cooking meals, and digging in our garden.

I never thought it would be easy. Do you know my family? Nothing has ever been easy. I expected that there would be days, that I'd want to pull my hair out. That my beloved husband, would drive me nuts! And those babes that I'd birthed...I just knew, they'd test me in ways, that I'd never dreamt of.

But somewhere along the lines, I've sacrificed my life...for other people. I've put my dreams, on the back burner. I've buried myself in work. Because in those walls of the hospital, little can bother me. Little can hurt me. And I can control, most of what's going on.

You see, I can go to work, and forget about family crap. The siblings that make life...well a living hell. Not all of them are like that. But there are some, that just don't let me live. And in the hospital, I don't have to worry about them. I also don't have to worry about people, who try to keep me from my grandparents. Or aging parents, who I'm deathly afraid of losing.

Hurt and pain, can be minimized at work. You can hold yourself at arms length. You can get lost in hours of surgery. In complicated cases. In sick kiddos, who just want your help. You can quickly forget, that you are alone in this world. Maybe that's why so many of the doctors, don't mind these crazy schedules. Or the fact that we go to work at 5PM. And rarely leave before 5AM. That most days, we spend more time, in the hospital...then out of it. That we make more trips to work, in one day, than most people make in a week.

But then, in the quiet moments, you start to remember life. When you're holding an innocent and sick baby...you realize that's all you want. Is a baby. Even a sick baby, is better than no baby. A little person, that is part of you. When you see married couples, you realize, you want that. Even the ones who continuously argue. And might I add, about stupid things. Like the flavor of gum, the husband has just bought. You want, and crave, that company. That person to lean on, when times are tough.

I had this raw conversation with my good friend J, last night. We were making final travel plans for this weekend. When I'm the "Maid of Honor," and he's the "Best Man." Making sure I knew when and where to be. So I didn't miss the flight. We were finalizing the Bride and Groom's Honeymoon plans. Because this man is so incredibly sweet! He's paying for their Honeymoon!!!

It just got me thinking. And emotional. Having read this, just hours before...didn't help matters. Because it was everything, that I was feeling. And I caught myself, silently praying that same prayer. That J stays single for another 10 years...

You see, years and years ago, we agreed on something. Something silly. But something the two of us, have hung onto. Silently. Never talking to each other about it. Just hoping. That by the time I'm 40, if neither of us are married, or have kids...we'd have some babies together. Possibly get married.

I read this on Monday. When we were flying back from Dallas. And I kept asking myself, "What are you waiting for? He's the one! You've always known it!" The reality is, I think I've always known it. From that first instant, when we locked eyes. Those green eyes, they had me. That sweet smile, made me melt. Even in a crowd of people, as I performed, he grabbed my attention. But I've always been scared. Because what if it doesn't work? I'd be losing my best friend. What if he doesn't love me, as much as I love him? What if I got hurt?

All of those things, have allowed me, to stay at arms length. To keep J, just far enough away. But close enough, to lean on. Because let's be real, when times are tough, he's the one I run to. My friend is the should I cry on. All 6'4" of strong, muscular cowboy. With that crook'd smile. Sweet green eyes. Sandy colored hair. He's the man, that makes me feel safe. Like really safe.

He doesn't judge. Knows every stinking thing, about me. And loves me, for me. You know, he laughs at the silly stories. The stupid things I get myself into. He's proud of my accomplishments. And is ALWAYS there, when I need help.

No matter what it is. A shoulder to cry on. He's there. I swear to you, that little "nook," was made just for me. I don't know how many shirts of his, that I've ruined. Because the tears came way too fast. Or how many times I've called J, because I need some help with my tuition payments, buying a book for school, or heck...food. I'm not ashamed to admit it. He's been there. He's come with boxes of food, when he's noticed I'm without. Not judging. Just brought it through my front door, loaded up my fridge, and gave me a hug. J even created a position in his company, so I'd have a job.

I often panic, to think he might realize how handsome he is. Or what a good catch he is. How all those women, are really looking at him. And what a catch, all of those women really are. You know, size 0, smokin' hot, great personality types. They practically scare Jesus out of me. But J, he's usually concerned with bulls, oil, chili, pecans, or something else like that.

Seriously, how many men do you know...that are happy to play princess with their Goddaughters? Or go out and buy every pink food and drink, so those same Goddaughters, can have a tea party. Or like Monday evening, run around town, looking for that doll...that was ruined. Not many. And let me tell you, nothing melts my heart more, than watching J with kids. When I walk into his home, and he and one of our Goddaughters are fast asleep. On the sofa. Big, muscular Cowboy J. Covered with a princess blanket, and a small girl nestled on his chest.

He's the same man I call, when that one light bulb burns out. Because I can never reach it. The one I call, to tell all about that tough surgery that I had. The one that last 2 hours longer, than I expected. And challenged me, in every possible way. I call him, when I'm especially worried about my Dad. And he always makes me feel better.

J is the man, that I can spot across a room. Or a field of chili. And immediately lock eyes with. Somehow, that connection, makes my heart sing. He's the man, that makes me feel safe. And happy. That in every sense of a man, is a gentleman. He makes you feel, like a woman. Treats me with respect. Is more in love with God, than even I am.

He listens to me. Gives me the best advise. Helps me. Encourages me. Challenges me. Makes me laugh, until I swear I can't breathe. He distracts me, from my troubles. But helps me work through them. J is that one person in my life, that knows what I'm thinking, before I think it.

10 years ago, I dreamt of being married. Barefoot and pregnant. I had big dreams. Dreams that meant a lot to me. I was ready for all of that. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Who would have thought, during those first few weeks of college, that I'd meet this man. The one, that continues to make me dream. And hope.

When I think I can't dream any bigger, he challenges me. Because J, he dreams HUGE!!! He works hard. And plays HARDER. He loves with every being of his body. And expects, the best out of everyone around him.

It's been a tough year. We're only 3 1/2 months in. And I'm spent. I'm worried. In some areas, I've given up. Like Valli, I don't NEED a man. Or babies. But I WANT them. I've sacrificed so much, to get to this point. I've taken care of everyone around me. Maybe I'm just ready, to let someone take care of me. Remind me, that life is going to be OK. That not every single day, needs to be on the "edge of disaster."

I sometimes think, that God is screaming at me. Telling me to stop being so stupid. To let love in. And learn to let go, of certain situations. To make people, more accountable for themselves. To quit caring so much.

It's crazy when you get to this point. I even without realizing it, told J something, that even shocked me. "I'd get married. Tomorrow. If I could go on that trip, have a pair of CL stilettos, and just be happy for a second. Really happy. You know what I mean?" I hope he didn't get the wrong idea.

Lastly, I'm pretty sure Dr. S' wife, "The Bride," was equally shocked. Yesterday morning. When in passing I told her, "I'd walk away from it all. This career. My home. My hometown. All of this. If I could find real love. Could make a real family, for myself. And can be happy. Even if, for just a second. I NEED that. I don't need all of this. I just want to be happy." ♫

Mean

It's been 18 months...

He tells people all the good things. Tries to act like "the good guy." But he's not. And there are some people, that can see through it. They call me and ask me. I'm truthful. If you want to know, just ask. I'll tell you.



This song, the moment I heard it, reminded me of him. Because he's mean. Cruel at times. I know. I've experienced it. He knows the most hurtful things to say. And just when to say them.

But like the song says, one day, I'll be doing better. Living a better life. And where will he be? You know, there are already so many people, that don't want to be around him. He's going to be all alone.

It's sad. A person like this can damage so many lives. Hurt so many people. Be so deceitful. Can literally ruin a family. But I won't let him ruin me. I'll prove to him, that I'm a better person. I will make more of my life.

It's horrible to have to feel this way. And to know the real reason. But I can't change it. He doesn't give me reasons to change it. All I can do is, pray. And let God take care of it.

I guess the craziest part is, he wants to go to my house. Yes, my house! Really?!?!?! Because that will never, ever happen. Not when I know the truth. When I know that he sent an ex-con my way. Trying to intimidate me. It didn't work.

But one day, people will know the truth. They'll know the kind of person that he is. The kind of things that he does. They will know the facts. All I really know is, I'm not going to let him get me down. Not for one more day. I'm stronger than this. And I will prove that much. ♫

My Dear Bougainvillea

A few years ago, I found Barbara Karst Bougainvillea on clearance. A gallon sized bucket, which had been $25, was now $3. Why? I don't know. It was dead. Or dying. I just think the stock was changing at Wal-Mart. It was still hot out here, but Halloween decorations and school supplies were taking over.

I bought 7. I know. It seems extreme. But with the size of my yard, either you go big...or you just go home. So I planted them. In the backyard. On the west fence. I thought it would add to my "tropical" vision. I wanted my backyard to have an "exotic" feel to it.



Vibrant pink flowers were taking over. These plants grew so well! Taking over the fence. Even my neighbor commented on how pretty the looked. I was so happy! These plants were amazing climbers. And added a bit of "privacy" to my backyard. A total bonus!



I also picked up an orange variety. I have no clue what it's "real name" is. But it was gorgeous. More of a peach color. And I planted next to the gate, leading to my backyard. It grew nicely. Not overtaking the space. But adding a nice "pop" of color.

Well, around here, most people landscape with more "tropical" plants. It's more common to see palm trees, than it is to see pine trees. And we're more than cool with that. Until we get snow.

That would be 2 years in a row. Lots of snow! My backyard had almost 2 feet of snow in it! That was February. When our temperatures loomed under 0*F. We were not happy. Not me. Not my town. Not the surrounding area.

So many plants and trees died. Costing this city, and our neighboring city way too much money. HUGE palm trees, are now having to be replaced. As for me, my dear plants have died. I have little hope for their return.

A bit dramatic? I think not! Any and all tropical plants that I had, are pretty much dead. I've been diligently watering. But I'm almost 100% sure they are not coming back. It's a sad situation really. Last summer, they were so pretty!

But I will not let that get me down. No sir! I will keep my eyes open. Looking for another good deal. Hoping that I can find a few bougainvilleas. Maybe some hydrangeas. Anything to add to my yard. It's going to be a long process to figure out what survived our tough winter, and what didn't. ♫

Weird Dreams

I've been having the most insane dreams for weeks now. And because I'm not feeling well, I think they're becoming more insane. I finally fell asleep sometime before 10AM. I know J is trying to be quiet. Which is insane. This is his house. And it's ginormous! He could have a party on one side, and I'd never hear a thing!

Anyway, I got about 2 hours worth of sleep. And I woke up, suddenly, and completely sweaty. Ugh! But the dream was so weird. We'll just say it was about a guy we'll call "Cowboy."

I was a teacher. In a school downtown. Where? I have no clue. Maybe my hometown? I lived in a apartment building about 2-3 blocks from the school. Because I would walk to work every day. My apartment was small. A typical "city" apartment. And my parents lived across the street from me. In a ginormous penthouse apartment.

So here I am, going to work. I'm teaching little kids. Maybe 1st graders? And I really like my job. Then boom! I'm 9 months pregnant. And I'm married to "Cowboy."

*So I know this person in real life. But we're not close. We know each other because of other people. We've maybe talked briefly, twice in the last 2 years.*

Anyway, we're married. And happy. In our little apartment. He has some kind of good job, because he has to wear a suit to work every single day. So at this point, I'm not working. But I get up early to iron his clothes and make him breakfast. Hello! 1950's housewife at your service. :)

On this one particular day, he doesn't want to go to work. But I insist. I'm OK. The baby is not coming anytime soon. And I make plans to go shopping with my Mom and my Auntie. Completely out there. Since I haven't seen my Auntie in months! I know, we talked briefly last week. But we've never done anything like this.

Somehow, we end up at my favorite Mexican restaurant. Um, that's a good hour from where I live. But we end up there. And we have this delicious meal. And I go into labor. Somehow my Cowboy husband makes it on time for the birth of our baby. We had a girl. And when we go home a few days later, we live in the middle of the nearby mountains.

It's beautiful. The house is ginormous. And it's so peaceful. Everything is perfect. All the things I have been dreaming about doing to my own house, this house had. It was such a weird dream. I woke up when we put our little girl to sleep.

It was such a weird dream. But I've been having lots of dreams recently about pregnancy. Is my body screaming at me? Telling me that the clock is ticking? I don't know. But um, it ain't happening anytime soon.

I'm not feeling any better from my earlier post. In fact, I know have bright red cheeks. And I feel so hot. But I don't have a temperature. And, I feel a lot weaker. I think I'm just going to stay here. In this nice white and comfy bed. I also feel safer. Knowing that someone is here. Because I'm still having issues breathing. I know, I should go to the doctor already... ♫

Feeling Horrible

I've actually been eating raw since Monday. And it's helped a little. OK, so I cheated on Monday and had some enchiladas too. But since then, I've been trying really hard.

But yesterday morning, I woke up feeling horrible. Around 2AM, I woke up and couldn't feel my arms or hands. It was that feeling like when your leg falls asleep. And there was shooting pain. I couldn't do anything to relieve it. It was horrible. So I got up. I sat outside for hours. It wouldn't go away.

Eventually, I had to get on with my day. I had a lot to do. And a lot of work that had to be done. Important stuff that only I know how to do. That's what happens when you work for your friend. But I managed to get it done.

I also noticed I was having a hard time breathing. Like it was a heck of a lot more labored. I was really having to think about it. It was horrible! So when I came home around 6PM, I called my parents. But the night just didn't go as planned. And I was here alone trying to figure out what to do.

This scared the crap out of me. A few times, I really struggled to catch my breathe. It was horrible and frightening. So I came back to J's house. I figured that he would eventually come home. And even his dogs were better company than being home alone. Because what if something horrible happened. How long would it take someone to find me? Yes, I was that scared.

J came home late. He was finishing up a cattle ranch inspection. But I could tell that he was immediately scared by the way I looked. Believe me, it scared me too. And my friend begged me to go to the hospital. But I refused. For so many reasons. I figured, I could make it through the night.

I didn't sleep much last night. And everything hurts. From my forearms down, there is so much pain. My breathing got a little easier. But it really does hurt my chest to breathe. I'm wondering what's up. So if you're wondering here are my symptoms.

1. An achy body.
2. Numb/painful forearms and hands.
3. Increased heart rate.
4. Labored breathing.
5. Feeling of a full bladder. But there is nothing in there.
6. Inability to sleep.

I don't know what is wrong. And like a typical health care worker, I'm refusing to go to the doctor. I'm just grateful for my friend J. He's been great. Did I mention he is a veterinarian? So he thinks he knows how to check all my vitals. I silently assume that he's called one of the doctor's I work with. He doesn't live far from J's. Let's see if today is a better day. ♫

Dateline

I miss Dateline! I used to watch it. You know, every week! What twice a week? I think that's how many times it comes out. But the point is, I miss it! A lot!

You see, after the whole TV conversion thing last summer, our local NBC station's signal is for the birds! I don't get NBC anymore! Oh and the whole recording shows...well that's out the window too! But I at least get to watch my favorite ABC shows online.

But our NBC station, it saddens me so! I have to record "The Biggest Loser" at J's house. Because I have to watch it for school. But Dateline, oh how I miss you! I LOVED your stories! And I LOVE Keith Morrison...



Looks like I'm not the only one. :) But don't judge me. I like the way he tells a story. I first thought his voice was a bit creepy. Then it was soothing. My best naps came when I was falling asleep to some story he was telling. Sure it had to do with murder, but I slept like a baby. I know. Weird. But it's true. And I miss his story telling. I wish our local NBC station would get it together already! ♫

Speechless

“I am not what happens to me. I choose who I become.” ~Carl Jung

Some days, I'm just speechless. People in my family do and say things that just leave me, well, speechless. Like my oldest brother. What is he thinking? Does he really thinks that these things are going to make me love him? Um, no. They're not. They're making me HATE him. I'm not someone who hates people. But serious, I can't take it anymore. If you wanted to be a real brother, you would have done it a long time ago. And not just when Dad is around.

And my sister, the youngest of them. What is she thinking? You disappear for years, yes years, and now you think we're going to be all open arms? Do you think I'm going to act like we're best friends? I just wonder what goes through their heads. You know, I've never done anything to my siblings. But they've never accepted me either. Why? Because they think I have this amazing life? Um, no I don't! I work my butt off! I literally work 100 hours a week. On top of a full schedule at school. I'm putting myself through school. I sacrifice to get the things I want. Yes, my parents help me from time to time with certain things, but I do most of it on my own.

So what's the deal? At least I can respect certain siblings for being the same ruthless people that they are. Like my oldest sister. She's always treated me the same way. Never budged an inch! Always been who she is. So has my youngest brother. But these people that sit on the outside and play nice in front of people, I'm done with them. They have a heck of a lot to prove to me. Because I'm the little sister that never did a damn thing to them. So what's the deal here?

I so badly want to talk to them and ask them. Do you know, I have 9 siblings? And not one of them treats me like a sister! Not a single one! None of them respect me. Or gives me the time of day. But I have to say this, my nephews and nieces more than make up for them. I love them with all my heart! And in a lot of ways, they are like my brothers and sisters. I grew up with them. And they respect me. It's just crazy.

Maybe I'm just a big 'ol B. But you know what? I've never done a damn thing to these 9 people. I'm me. I've never changed the person that I am. I've been loving, and open armed. Wanting so badly to have some kind of a relationship with these people. But they don't want it. And I'm not going to force it. I'm 27 years old, I think I've been nice long enough. If they want to be a real brother or sister, the ball is in their court. I still have the same phone number. They know where to find me. You know, I'm just ready to move forward in my life. ♫