Whoa!!!

This is the post, were I get all crazy, and heavy on emotion. If you're not prepared for that, you might not want to read this.

I don't know what it is. I'm not a person that lives life, by the numbers. You know, I didn't care when I turned 21. Yes, my friends and I were in Las Vegas. But we were there to work. I was just happy to get my favorite mini wedding cake. :) So when I turned 30, just a few weeks ago...it literally came and went. No "BIG" excitement.

I got phone calls from family and friends. A ton of messages on FB, and Twitter. It was nice. But it was just another day for me. Maybe because my parents, never really made a big deal about birthdays, when I was growing up. Maybe because my Dad never remembered, it was my birthday. Or that there has been so many family issues going on, that I just didn't care.

But something has been missing. And I wasn't quick, to figure it out. Until yesterday. It got me thinking. 12 years ago, I thought I'd be married by 20. Done with school by 22. And would have a couple of kiddos running around my home, by 25. Yes, I've accomplished a lot. Received more than 1 degree. Debt free, I might add. I've paid off my home. And my car. But something has been missing...

Yesterday, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe because I got to spend a few hours, with these cute twins. And honestly, all  my friends...and their kiddos. Maybe it's because, I'll be in a friend's wedding this weekend. As the "Maid of Honor." For the umpteenth time. Maybe it was my sweet Goddaughter's meltdown on Monday night.

I don't know. I can't pinpoint the exact reason. Just that something has been feeling "wrong" for a while. I mean, even 6 months ago, I wasn't this miserable. But now, I run from one crazy place to another. I'm taking care of a sick parent. Trying to juggle 100+ hours of work. School stuff. Writing for a magazine. And a newspaper. Endless paperwork for my parents. Running errands. Crazy traveling schedules. Really, I don't have much "down time." And I'm starting to get resentful, because of it.

Remember how I told you, that by 25 I thought I'd be married, a mommy, and well the "Keeper of the Home." But it hasn't happened. Honestly, I thought I'd be that mujer. That would get up early. Make her hubby breakfast, see him off to work. Spend my days breastfeeding, changing cloth diapers, doing said hubby's laundry, cooking meals, and digging in our garden.

I never thought it would be easy. Do you know my family? Nothing has ever been easy. I expected that there would be days, that I'd want to pull my hair out. That my beloved husband, would drive me nuts! And those babes that I'd birthed...I just knew, they'd test me in ways, that I'd never dreamt of.

But somewhere along the lines, I've sacrificed my life...for other people. I've put my dreams, on the back burner. I've buried myself in work. Because in those walls of the hospital, little can bother me. Little can hurt me. And I can control, most of what's going on.

You see, I can go to work, and forget about family crap. The siblings that make life...well a living hell. Not all of them are like that. But there are some, that just don't let me live. And in the hospital, I don't have to worry about them. I also don't have to worry about people, who try to keep me from my grandparents. Or aging parents, who I'm deathly afraid of losing.

Hurt and pain, can be minimized at work. You can hold yourself at arms length. You can get lost in hours of surgery. In complicated cases. In sick kiddos, who just want your help. You can quickly forget, that you are alone in this world. Maybe that's why so many of the doctors, don't mind these crazy schedules. Or the fact that we go to work at 5PM. And rarely leave before 5AM. That most days, we spend more time, in the hospital...then out of it. That we make more trips to work, in one day, than most people make in a week.

But then, in the quiet moments, you start to remember life. When you're holding an innocent and sick baby...you realize that's all you want. Is a baby. Even a sick baby, is better than no baby. A little person, that is part of you. When you see married couples, you realize, you want that. Even the ones who continuously argue. And might I add, about stupid things. Like the flavor of gum, the husband has just bought. You want, and crave, that company. That person to lean on, when times are tough.

I had this raw conversation with my good friend J, last night. We were making final travel plans for this weekend. When I'm the "Maid of Honor," and he's the "Best Man." Making sure I knew when and where to be. So I didn't miss the flight. We were finalizing the Bride and Groom's Honeymoon plans. Because this man is so incredibly sweet! He's paying for their Honeymoon!!!

It just got me thinking. And emotional. Having read this, just hours before...didn't help matters. Because it was everything, that I was feeling. And I caught myself, silently praying that same prayer. That J stays single for another 10 years...

You see, years and years ago, we agreed on something. Something silly. But something the two of us, have hung onto. Silently. Never talking to each other about it. Just hoping. That by the time I'm 40, if neither of us are married, or have kids...we'd have some babies together. Possibly get married.

I read this on Monday. When we were flying back from Dallas. And I kept asking myself, "What are you waiting for? He's the one! You've always known it!" The reality is, I think I've always known it. From that first instant, when we locked eyes. Those green eyes, they had me. That sweet smile, made me melt. Even in a crowd of people, as I performed, he grabbed my attention. But I've always been scared. Because what if it doesn't work? I'd be losing my best friend. What if he doesn't love me, as much as I love him? What if I got hurt?

All of those things, have allowed me, to stay at arms length. To keep J, just far enough away. But close enough, to lean on. Because let's be real, when times are tough, he's the one I run to. My friend is the should I cry on. All 6'4" of strong, muscular cowboy. With that crook'd smile. Sweet green eyes. Sandy colored hair. He's the man, that makes me feel safe. Like really safe.

He doesn't judge. Knows every stinking thing, about me. And loves me, for me. You know, he laughs at the silly stories. The stupid things I get myself into. He's proud of my accomplishments. And is ALWAYS there, when I need help.

No matter what it is. A shoulder to cry on. He's there. I swear to you, that little "nook," was made just for me. I don't know how many shirts of his, that I've ruined. Because the tears came way too fast. Or how many times I've called J, because I need some help with my tuition payments, buying a book for school, or heck...food. I'm not ashamed to admit it. He's been there. He's come with boxes of food, when he's noticed I'm without. Not judging. Just brought it through my front door, loaded up my fridge, and gave me a hug. J even created a position in his company, so I'd have a job.

I often panic, to think he might realize how handsome he is. Or what a good catch he is. How all those women, are really looking at him. And what a catch, all of those women really are. You know, size 0, smokin' hot, great personality types. They practically scare Jesus out of me. But J, he's usually concerned with bulls, oil, chili, pecans, or something else like that.

Seriously, how many men do you know...that are happy to play princess with their Goddaughters? Or go out and buy every pink food and drink, so those same Goddaughters, can have a tea party. Or like Monday evening, run around town, looking for that doll...that was ruined. Not many. And let me tell you, nothing melts my heart more, than watching J with kids. When I walk into his home, and he and one of our Goddaughters are fast asleep. On the sofa. Big, muscular Cowboy J. Covered with a princess blanket, and a small girl nestled on his chest.

He's the same man I call, when that one light bulb burns out. Because I can never reach it. The one I call, to tell all about that tough surgery that I had. The one that last 2 hours longer, than I expected. And challenged me, in every possible way. I call him, when I'm especially worried about my Dad. And he always makes me feel better.

J is the man, that I can spot across a room. Or a field of chili. And immediately lock eyes with. Somehow, that connection, makes my heart sing. He's the man, that makes me feel safe. And happy. That in every sense of a man, is a gentleman. He makes you feel, like a woman. Treats me with respect. Is more in love with God, than even I am.

He listens to me. Gives me the best advise. Helps me. Encourages me. Challenges me. Makes me laugh, until I swear I can't breathe. He distracts me, from my troubles. But helps me work through them. J is that one person in my life, that knows what I'm thinking, before I think it.

10 years ago, I dreamt of being married. Barefoot and pregnant. I had big dreams. Dreams that meant a lot to me. I was ready for all of that. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Who would have thought, during those first few weeks of college, that I'd meet this man. The one, that continues to make me dream. And hope.

When I think I can't dream any bigger, he challenges me. Because J, he dreams HUGE!!! He works hard. And plays HARDER. He loves with every being of his body. And expects, the best out of everyone around him.

It's been a tough year. We're only 3 1/2 months in. And I'm spent. I'm worried. In some areas, I've given up. Like Valli, I don't NEED a man. Or babies. But I WANT them. I've sacrificed so much, to get to this point. I've taken care of everyone around me. Maybe I'm just ready, to let someone take care of me. Remind me, that life is going to be OK. That not every single day, needs to be on the "edge of disaster."

I sometimes think, that God is screaming at me. Telling me to stop being so stupid. To let love in. And learn to let go, of certain situations. To make people, more accountable for themselves. To quit caring so much.

It's crazy when you get to this point. I even without realizing it, told J something, that even shocked me. "I'd get married. Tomorrow. If I could go on that trip, have a pair of CL stilettos, and just be happy for a second. Really happy. You know what I mean?" I hope he didn't get the wrong idea.

Lastly, I'm pretty sure Dr. S' wife, "The Bride," was equally shocked. Yesterday morning. When in passing I told her, "I'd walk away from it all. This career. My home. My hometown. All of this. If I could find real love. Could make a real family, for myself. And can be happy. Even if, for just a second. I NEED that. I don't need all of this. I just want to be happy." ♫

Sisterly Love

If you are someone from my family, you know, I have 8 half siblings. For my entire life, I've been closer to my 2 youngest sisters. Unfortunately, many of my brothers and I, aren't exactly on the same page. But my sisters, they've been there for me.

It's crazy. In the last 12 years or so, I've really lost touch with my hermanas. It makes me so sad. It hardens my heart. And honestly, it makes me feel incomplete. I really wish, that I could get in touch, with my sisters.

My Mom's daughter and I, were never super close. But we got along. And we saw each other when we could. But honestly, it's been nearly 10 years since we've seen each other. That saddens me. So much!

About 2 months ago, I reached out. We sent text messages back and forth. And talked about meeting up. Before she left town. Unfortunately, it didn't work out. I wish it had. I miss my sister. And now, all I can do is hope. That we can reconnect sometime soon.

Then there is my Dad's daughter. We were super close. For years and years, there was rarely a day that would go by, that we didn't see each other. I love my sister so much. We were so close. And it's super sad to say, but we haven't spoken in almost 10 1/2 years!

I think about her all the time. And honestly, I wish I could talk to her. I wish that we'd run into each other. Somewhere. Because I really miss her. We were so close. I miss that. She was the only sibling, that I've ever had, who treated me with love, respect, and care.

Most of all, I miss just hanging out with her. Laughing. Sharing our lives. Cooking together. The simple things. Celebrating our birthdays together. I miss just spending time together. Being sisters and friends. I miss my sister more than words can say.

It's crazy. The older I get, the more I miss my sisters. It's like I need them more. I need them in my life. I want them in my life. If only. If only we were closer. We had more time together. Had a better bond. Didn't have the family issues to deal with.

My sisters mean the world to me. And if I can help mend our broken relationships, I'm all in! If only I had a way to get in touch with them. To build back our broken relationships. To be sisters and friends again. I pray for this every single day! ♫

Sweet Angel

Over the last few days, we've learned so much. But there are still so many unanswered questions. The punishment doesn't seem to fit the crime. All the attention is on Casey.

But this sweet face, we just can't forget about her. The horror she must have endured. Her last living moments filled with such evil. This perfect little girl, didn't deserve any of it. We need to remember that.

And we need to remember Caylee Marie Anthony. She deserved a better life. She deserved a future. All we can do now, is pray for her. And remember her. Remember the sweet angel that was taken from this world, way too soon! ♫

I Have a Secret...

I almost got married once. Only a handful of people know about this. Until now. But ya, little 'ol me, once almost got married. Here's the story...

When I was a freshman in college, I was juggling a lot. It was the first time I lived on my own, I was in college, had a new mortgage, worked a "real" job, had to figure out how to do laundry, I pumped my own gas for the very first time, and "really" cooked! I was just trying to survive. Oh, and then, 9/11 happened. That changed a lot. 9/11 would change a lot about my future education plans. Things that I never thought would change...they changed!

Some time between starting college, and 9/11, I met him. My Music Man. The one man, that would haunt my life...and at times, save me from myself. He was that man that every single female fell for. Every SINGLE one! Which isn't horrible when you work for tips...you know, as a Mariachi. But from the beginning, I never felt “worthy” of being around him. Like I wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t the way he acted, or treated me. But the way other people viewed him.

We became fast friends. Spent lots of time before and after rehearsals together, laughing and talking. Before long, we were in the same Mariachi, spent at least 40 hours a week together. And learned how to pack food in our luggage. Anything to save a few pennies, to pay for college. Yes, we took oranges, peanut butter, and crackers with us to Orlando. Because we were poor…

Ya, we figured out that I cheered at his old high school. At least 8 times a year. My Music Man is 3 years older than me. But he still went to his old high school’s games, after he graduated. During the time when I was on my high school's varsity cheer team. He went because his younger brother went to the games. His brother is younger than me.

Yes, we had met years before. When I cheered. And he was trying to figure out how we (the cheerleaders) could bend “like that.” And how in the heck, could we pull off those tricks. And why in the heck would we cheer, in the middle of a snowstorm, in tiny skirts. We were hardcore cheerleaders. The ones from his high school, they rarely went to the games. And our coach, well she thought that cheerleading was our life. We didn’t miss a thing. Including the Band Competing in the “Battle of the Bands.” Yes, we cheered for that! :P

So ya, we met. We actually shared a meal. Because 5 of us, and our coach got stuck, in his hometown. And we were stuck at Wendy's. Eating French fries and Frosties, at 2AM, during a snowstorm. We had met. He actually bought us real food. As in meals. I remember him telling us, “You ladies need a proper dinner. I saw how hard you worked. Very talented.” The only guy on our team was with us. And he was not impressed. I remember him calling him a Jack A#@. Under his breath of course. Did I mention? He was also my best friend. Somewhere between passing out the food, and going for ketchup, My Music Man asked me, for my phone number. And I gave him, a friend's phone number. Instead of mine. :)

But in college, it was different. He made my heart skip a beat. My tummy would get butterflies. And well, it just felt “right.” Hilariously, we were set up together. To sing. Lots and lots of duets. Which required a crap load of rehearsal time. And a bit of acting...

We started to realize things. Like he lived a few blocks down the road from me. Any given day, we were both happy to be eating Ramen noodles. Yes, we were those "Poor College Students." He walked to school, to save money on parking. I spent hours in the library, trying to save money on books. We both enjoyed old movies, and the craziest jokes. Running was our second favorite past time, to music of course! And hunting, fishing, and camping...well to both of us, it's just a part of life. :) Let’s not forget Salsa dancing. And the occasional midnight, ice cream run. :)

I also had a roommate that was making life horrible. So I needed someone to vent to. To tell how frustrated I was. Because I did everything in the house. All the cleaning. My food was frequently stolen. Things were being broken. No one cleaned but me. And well, my roomie wasn't doing anything. So I vented to My Music Man. Who listened. Really listened. And at the perfect moment, gave me one of those big bear hugs. Remedy to all!

Then, one day, we were talking to some friends. They had recently gotten married. And now, 90% of their tuition, books, and fees were paid for. Why? Because they were a married couple. HELLO!!! The bells were going off. We had this amazing idea...

It was the end of January. I was a freshman in college. I needed money. WE needed money! Ya, I had scholarships. But well, I needed help living. You know, once in a while, I wanted to eat a decent meal. So the idea was born.

We decided to get married. Nothing else would change. He'd stay in his $1000/month apartment. The entire place could fit into my living room. No lie! And I'd stay in my home. But school, it would be completely paid for. Completely! It sounded like heaven. :)

Being the chivalrous man that he is, My Music Man decided to take things into his hands. He paid for our blood tests. Yes, our state requires them. And he footed the bill for the license. He also went to an Antique Store, and bought us rings. They were the perfect fit. No sizing required! Quite beautiful, if I say so myself. :) We were all set. Our appointment with the Justice of the Peace was set. 4PM on a Friday afternoon. It gave us enough time to make it legal, and still make it to our Mariachi gig. How very romantic we are! :P

Well, our vocal lesson lasted longer than it should have. And we couldn't find a parking. Which made us late. And we missed our appointment! We couldn't wait another 30 minutes for the last appointment. We'd be late to work. So we figured we'd try again, the next week.

God had other plans. You see, My Music Man's Dad, is good friends with a certain Indian Chief. Who signed a certain paper, declaring that a certain man was at least 33% Native American. This allowed the government to pay for his entire tuition, fees, and books. And he got a monthly stipend. This happened on Monday. 3 days after our original wedding date.

So now, we didn't have to get married. His school was paid for. And with that extra money, well he paid for gas. To get us to work. You know, we had to travel, at least 50 miles one way, to gigs. And we did this 4-5 times a week. I also had a steady stream of food. We now lived off of PB&J sammies, or bean burritos. We were really living it up!

In the years that have followed, actual “real” proposals have happened. With big diamond engagement rings and all. So fancy! He's gone on to bigger and better things. Traveling the world, performing his beautiful music. Making a 7 figure salary. Touring with amazing performers. As the jobs have gotten better, the rings have gotten even bigger. And I've still said nothing…

I'm not sure what it is. But I don't want him to "settle." Or feel obligated to me. I started thinking about this recently. Because we had a serious conversation. And we also went down “Memory Lane.” Because he was getting ready to sell one of his cars. And we found a small box. With that beautiful ring.

The one that he bought. At that dusty Antique Store. The original ring. That would have made me his Mrs. And he my Mr. We had planned this, to pay for school. But he's not the kind of man, that would just walk away. I've always known that. Had we gotten married, all those years ago, we'd probably have 2.5 kids by now. With some dogs running around. In a beautiful home. My Music Man providing for his family. Allowing me, to live out my dreams. Because, he's that "Old Fashioned Man."

I'm not sure if our path was a good one, or a bad one. Or if we really should have just gotten married. Could you have imagined how we would have told our families...talk about insanity! We may have killed my Dad on the spot! And his family…well I don’t even know what to say. Did I forget to mention, just 6 weeks later, we were in Sin City. Oh ya baby! We almost took the plunge again. This time, I don't really know what prompted it. But we were standing in the “Little White Chapel.” Calling some friends. Apparently, you need a witness or two. :P Instead of saying "I do," we shared a mini wedding cake.

Out of all the men I've ever known, he is probably the only one, that I really saw myself, having a life with. Envisioning our life together. All those conversations we've had. Talks about how many kids, where to live, careers, finances, and religion. All of those things. By the way, we wanted 3, maybe 4 kids. And 2 dogs. :)

But in the end, I'm just not sure. I don't think I could ever really give 100% of myself to anyone. I'm just not that person. And honestly, he needs that kind of a woman. He was meant to be an amazing husband and father. That much I know.

After nearly 10 years, I know that much. That this man, no matter what he says, needs that kind of a woman. That gives 100% of herself. And as much as I want to be a SAHM and wife, I'm just not sure we were meant for one another. But, I thank God every single day for him. He is definitely one of my very best friends. We've had our good times, but we've also had some of the worst times together. And we've made it out of those bad times. Actually, those bad times, made our bond stronger. Much stronger. He knows some of my deepest, darkest secrets. The things I’m most afraid of. And I know all about his dreams for the future.

Who knows. One day, I might just show up, in my hometown. Newly married. I might still become that "barefoot and pregnant woman." His Mrs. and “Baby Mama.” The one that gives up her career, to be the SAHM. You know the one. That makes all the class snacks, goes on every field trip, and has dinner on the table...when her hubby gets home. I guess you just never know what My Music Man and I will do. There have been so many opportunities. You just never know...



And just a little bit of fun. But really I like that song. You know, our life paths are not set in stone. Not yet anyway! I might just pick up and do something silly. Like let myself fall in love. There is still a little bit of hope out there. ♫

For an Angel

I just want to ask, anyone and everyone reading this, to please say a prayer. Just a little prayer for my Goddaughter. My 'Lil Southern Belle is having brain surgery today. And she could use every good thought and prayer, that she can get. Just take a few moments, and ask God to watch over her. In her short 8 months, she's suffered so much. All I ask of you, is to remember her. And ask God to have some grace, for this sweet little angel. ♫

Faith in God

I haven't updated you on My Lil' Southern Belle. For quite a while. But in her nearly 8 months, my little angel has been through so much. Do you remember her arrival? Ya, it's been tough.

And My Bestie, H, she's been struggling a lot too. Both of them have endured countless operations. My Bestie is now refusing anymore surgeries, until her little girl is doing better. And that worries me. So much!

The two really bright spots are, her brother is now with her all the time! And there is a particular man, that is just madly in love with H. And so desperately wants to be a Daddy, to this perfect little princess.

But life has not been easy. Unfortunately, I don't get to see them very often. Actually, it's been months since I've seen them. Because H lived in NC. Then a few weeks ago, she and her baby girl, were moved to TN. All for treatment. So, I don't get to see them. Not nearly as much as I'd like.

I do get to talk to H. And her brother. And this truly amazing man that loves her. The funny thing is, were all so deeply connected. My best friend, she married my boss/friend. We were the MOH and BM for the wedding. Then they separated. I became closer to Ol' Blue Eyes. And he hired H. Then we found out about My Lil' Southern Belle. Shortly after, there was this new man. Another good friend of Ol' Blue Eyes...

He and H became so close. He helped her with everything. Putting together her new house, moving, getting ready for the new baby girl. He spoiled them rotten. Bought them everything their hearts could desire. He is madly in love! Then, tragedy struck. We were all in Vegas. Except for H and her baby girl.

Now, Ol' Blue Eyes and I are Godparents, to this little angel. My friend has such an amazing support system. And a man that truly loves her. For her. And loves her baby girl. As if she were his own flesh and blood. H also got her little brother back.

On Tuesday, I got the biggest surprise ever! We were heading home. You know, our gig was over. I needed to get back to my hometown. For my niece's graduation party. And next week, on of my friends/band mates is getting married. So we loaded up some private plans. To head west.

What I failed to notice was, most of the luggage was going into our boss' plane. He told us, that he was going to head west for a few days too. Spend some time with the guys. They're going camping this weekend. And J's 2 planes were being loaded by the band and all our "crew." You know, wives, My Care Bear, Maestro G.

I boarded. Didn't think anything of it. And everyone was set to go home. What I failed to notice was, Ol' Blue Eyes and I, we were the only one in his airplane. Why? Because we were headed to TN, to see our Goddaughter.

By the time I realized, that we were the only 2 people there, the other planes were preparing for their departure. I really had no time to react. And when I found out we were going to TN, I cried. It was a short trip. And I knew it was going to be. But I was just so happy to see H and My Lil' Southern Belle.

No one knew of our plans either. Well, besides M and J. I was filled with excitement the entire flight. Just waiting to see My Bestie. The one woman, that is truly my sister. We've been through so much in our 23 years of friendship. It's unbreakable.

And the minute we walked into that room, my heart was overflowing with love. Pure emotion took over. My Bestie, all bandaged up. The unmistakable look of pain, worry, and anxiety on her face. I just hugged her. Held her as she cried. I was the strong one for her. Everything that she needed me to be. No words were shared. But everything I needed to know, I knew in that very instant.

When I got to hold that precious baby girl, I swear, I felt like God had wrapped his arms around us. She is no more than 9lbs. Not growing. Looking every bit like a newborn. Her head wrapped in bandages, and a small helmet. Tubes, IVs, and monitors surrounding her tiny body.

You'd think, with the work I do, I'd be used to this. But I wasn't. I clearly wasn't. Because this baby, I knew her. Personally. I loved her. I waited anxiously for her arrival. I prayed for her. I held her in my heart. And I was with her in the very beginning. For the first few days of her life. it was me and her. This was clearly different.

We spent a few hours there. I got to speak with her doctors, nurses, dietitians...anyone and everyone that was taking care of her. We talked about new treatments. The plans. The goals. What was next. What I thought might help. We consulted with other physicians. And I came out of it, feeling more at ease.

I wish that I had more days to spend with these 2 amazing people. Which I love so much! I wish that I could sit by that little crib, and sing lullabies, until my Goddaughter was fast asleep. I wish I could be there every single day for H. To help her through this. To make her stronger. And her daughter stronger. I wish I could. But life isn't like that. But for those few precious hours, I got to do just that.

I rocked this precious little girl. We talked. I sung my favorite lullabies. We read books. And I sat and listened to all those perfect baby sounds. I smelled her sweet baby smells. And watched her eat. I took in every second that I could. I needed to. We needed this.

And I did everything I could for H. Helped her shower. Washed her hair. Helped her to get dressed. Combed her hair. Got her good food. Made her bed a little more comfortable. Made sure she had snacks, magazines, and anything else she needed. We talked. We cried. We laughed. We hugged. And she told me that she was scared. So we prayed.

There are very few times in my life, when I've been this scared. But I was as strong as I could be. For this woman, my best friend, and her little girl. We'd walk through fire for each other. And on this day, I would have done anything that she needed. Anything.

And all there is left to do, is have faith in God. He knows best. He knows why we go through, what we go through. And only he knows why. So I told H, we must give him all of our pain, fear, and anxiety. We must trust, that he knows what's best. For all of us.

I do believe this. Deep in my heart and soul. Only God knows. And we must have faith in him. And trust him to do his work. Only he knows if this precious little girl, will ever live outside of a hospital. Or will be a normal little girl. To grow up, to be a normal woman. Only he knows.

But I still pray. And I ask for your prayers. For this little angel on Earth. And her Mommy. At the end of the end, they are really the only people that each of them has. And they need our love and prayers. Pray that God will do the best he can for them. Give them the best lives, that they can have. Please pray. ♫

Family

I'm extremely disappointed in my family. What the heck is going through their heads? My Tatie is sick. This is no time for a full out war!

I'm not claiming to be a saint. But let's be honest here. When someone is sick, and in the hospital, the family should pull together. Not pull apart. And attack each other.

I've been quietly sitting on my hands. I've texted my sister. And talked to my parents. I've asked questions about Tatie's care. Because I'm generally concerned. Being that I work in the field of medicine, have experience in nutrition, and a care about my Tatie...I ask questions.

Yes, I know about nutrients, diets, and the such. Hello! My degree, and field of primary study for my BS, is human nutrition. I'm not trying to be the doctor here. But there are some questions that you could ask. So don't bite my head off, I'm just trying to make sure my grandpa is getting the best possible care.

Another thing that has completely annoyed me this week, is how people seem to be screening who sees Tatie. Let's get real. He's got kids from 2 marriages. They're all his kids. Whether you like them or not. They have a right to see their father.

When my Dad was in the hospital, I never said anything. I welcomed my siblings. Because that is what my Dad needed. I may not like them. Or even respect them. But it's what made my Dad feel better. Happier. So why can't my aunts do the same thing?

Are you seriously not going to allow people to see Tatie, based on who has visited him. And how often? Are you serious? I for one, well, I have a Dad that has needed all the time and care I could give him. It's been just over 5 months since he almost died. Not to mention, I live 3 hours away. Work 100+ hours a week. And go to school. But I have managed to visit twice. But obviously, it's not enough for the "Guard Dogs."

So I leave it at that. You want to be that way, fine. My Tatie knows I love him. We've had some very interesting conversations. Like that day when Nanie wasn't home, and Tatie wanted to talk. He told me so much. Asked me so many questions. He knows what's going on. He's not dumb. And I know for a fact, that he knows that I love him, think about him, and pray for him every single day.

I've sent my grandparents countless packages. All to be returned. With the same handwriting. But I'm not letting it stop me. I know that I do it, out of the kindness of my heart. For my grandparents. For my Tatie. If this person doesn't like it, oh well. It's on your back, not mine. I know what I do for them. All the boxes and cards, I have them sitting in my closet. Let's not even talk about how many times I call. But you know, they screen the calls. And if they don't want to talk to you, well no one answers the phone. But at least I try.

For me, the straw that broke the camels back, was Thursday evening. Already, these people were rude to my Mom Wednesday. She went to visit her Dad. No one would let her see him. He was resting. But there were 3 visitors. Someone could have stepped out for a minute. Just so she could have seen her Dad. She didn't want to wake him. But no. That's how much care, love, and concern they have for my Mom.

Thursday evening. That was low. For everyone that was involved. Everyone that knew what was going on. After certain people went to my parents' house earlier. And then, to pull what they did. Are you serious? Are you that scared of the things you do, that you must attack someone else? Act like a damn fool?

Already, I had no respect for this particular woman. I haven't spoken to her in about 10 years. I will not let her touch me. I don't care if she wants to hug me, I want nothing to do with her. She knows why. I shouldn't have to respect someone who has no respect for me or my parents. Enough said. But to act the way she did. And get others involved. It's ridiculous!

So not only have you taken money from my parents, you harass them. That's ridiculous! Especially after everything that my parents have done for my grandparents. But how easily people forget. All those cigarettes, beer, food, time, energy, little trips, and such...and they forget. They forget the time spent.

Then to accuse my Mom of this nonsense. She hasn't spoken to her brother since October. At a family party. And those sisters...it's been years. Since they tried to "take down the family." Yes, years! As in at least 4...if not longer.

But when you are a "scaredy cat" and are trying to hide, I guess you just lash out. Blame anyone that is around you. There's not enough sense, to realize the harm you are doing. You are tearing apart this family. As far as I'm concerned, I have Tatie, Uncle John, Auntie Ronnie, and a bunch of cousins. The rest, well, if I never see them again, it wouldn't bother me.

To have someone waiting for you, to attack you, and yell at you like a wild animal, that is crazy. For people to be throwing things at you, and waving around canes like that...that's nonsense! Why? Because someone else is after you? Maybe you should research this a little better. Really look at who is attacking you. And going after you. It's not the sister that you are blaming.

It's not the first time that people have hurt my Mom. People in her family. That are supposed to love her. There was that time, when my Uncle was dying. And everyone got together to celebrate his birthday. The purposefully left my Mom out. And all those holiday celebrations. But the crazy thing is, the people in this family that matter, they know that she loves them. They know that I love them. That's all that matters. Not these crazy women.

The sad part is, they are tearing apart this family. Do you know something? I have a cousin, that I heard was looking for a better job. I made some calls, talk to a bunch of people. And I got her an interview for this amazing job. I literally got the call this morning. But now...do I dare call her? Because if I do, will I be the next one they attack? So I decided, I'm just going to let it go. Because there's too much, for me, to lose in the end. And it's not worth it.

That hurts. That's the sad part. Because it's hurting people that aren't even involved in the main family problems. Why can't my cousins go see our grandpa? A cousin that helped build their home. Why can't my Mom see my grandpa? Her Dad. Or my Uncle. This is what is ridiculous.

But we are not the ones to decide what is right or wrong. There is a judgement day for that. A day when you have to face the Lord, and explain the things you've done. There is no hiding from him. He knows what you've done. No matter how well you think you've hidden it. He knows.

For these people, that feel superior to the rest of us, it's not worth it. You're hurting the family more, than you are helping it. Does it make you feel so good, because you attack someone? I'm not like my Mom. I wouldn't have taken that. Maybe you will call my a B, but I don't care. People need to respect people, in order to receive respect back.

For my family that is innocent in these matters, I love you. We may not see each other often. May only speak a few words, but I love you. You are in my heart. And will always be there. There is no changing that. I love you.

And all that is left to do, is pray for Tatie. Pray that he recovers. And that he is allowed to live, his last few years in peace, surrounded by love, and in a way that makes him happy. That's all that matters. No matter how much people don't want to see it, his health and happiness is all that matters. And every single day, that is what I pray for. ♫

God's Glory

Bright and early this morning, I decided that I wanted to go on a run. Before everyone got up. I knew it would be a late morning for my friends. Especially since our show went well until this morning.

But I wanted to run. To be part of nature. To inhale all the beauty, that the Earth has to give. So while the house was silent and still, I was putting on my running shoes. One dog in tow. Making my way out, to the Carolina Wilderness.

Ol' Blue Eyes must of heard me. I was not far from the house, when he ran up behind me. This man, is definitely not a runner, but decided to go with me. We ran. In silence. Taking in the beauty of this place. All of it. Quietly.

The only sounds came from our feet hitting the ground. Our breathing was perfectly in rhythm. Birds were singing. The breeze was light. It was the most perfect morning. I've not felt that refreshed in such a long time! And it felt good.

To have sweat running down your back. Your heart race. The sound of your own blood, go through your ears. To have all of your senses working at 100%. And to be taking in so much of God's glory. It was amazing!

Then we cleared some trees, and came to a clearing. All you could see, was the beautiful lake! Oh Dear Lord! How do people ever leave this area? I'd be no good to anyone, if I lived here. I'd want to run every morning. I'd want to spend my days lakeside. And my evenings cooking. What a life!

Well, my friend and I just sat in silence. Sharing an orange, and some water. Taking it all in. I realize now, his eyes, they're that same amazing shade of blue. And as incredible as I felt, after 10 miles of mountain running, he was so much more refreshed than I was. As if, the Earth was feeding his soul.

We were definitely in God's church. In his Kingdom. Taking in all of God's glory. But it didn't prevent us from church. Which we barely made it too. But this little church, in the middle of nowhere, set back 50 years, it was perfect. I tell you, there's not much about Carolina that I don't love. Not much at all.

And now that all my friends are awake and fed, we've made our plans for the afternoon. Lot's of nothing, by the lake. What do you think? Sounds like paradise to me! I hope you have an amazing day too! It truly is God's Day! Happy Sunday! ♫

Reflecting

After the busy, nonstop, and exciting week that I had, I want to just stop and relax. To reflect on the good in my life. The positives. All that I've accomplished. All that I've been blessed with.

I often hear things like, you have it so easy. Your parents do it all for you. Blah, blah, blah. But I don't think people realize, just how much I work. How I am the one that foots the bills. I pay for school. I do those things. To save money, I walk to school every single day. Even when we had snow. Or when it's 104 degrees. I do that.

But I'm OK with it. Because I'm an adult. And it's what adults do. They take care of themselves. It's not always easy. Heck, there are days. Very bad days. When I just want to give up. When the hospital stuff is just too much. When I've been pushed to my limits. Held by gunpoint. When I have stacks of homework to do. And I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. When I'm tired. When I'm barely able to buy a box of macaroni. But I never give up.

God has such grace for us. Kindness, love, and support. He keeps us going, even when we can't keep ourselves going. He sends us special people. Amazing friends. Great mentors. Even perfect strangers. All to show us the way. To help us on our journeys. To love us. To help us. And even to shoulder some of our burdens.

I know this first hand. I've experienced it. I'm not looking to be any one's hero, or angel. But I will help people, as much as I possibly can. Because I know I have a God to depend on. A God that is there for me. Even when I feel so alone. So I'll take care of my friends' kids, on those days when I know they need a break. I'll buy groceries for a hungry mom and her kids. Even if it means I go home with nothing. And it's me, that makes all those things for the kids in PEDS, the PICU, and the NICU. Because it makes me feel better, deep inside, were it matters most.

Maybe it's the fact, that I spent almost a week, with truly kindhearted people. That wanted nothing more, than to share their wealth. And I don't mean money. I mean time, love, and talents. I spent so much time with my favorite itty bitties. Just soaking up, all of their love. Learning so much from these innocent children.

But today, I woke up, with a new attitude. One of purity, honesty, open heartiness, full of love, and wanting to do better. I've struggled with a heavy heart. Especially towards my family, for a while now. Maybe it's the way they put me down, the things they say about me, or just the way I'm treated. But I've carried this heavy heart, for far too long now.

I want to be better. I want to do better. I want to be a better person. I want to be a forgiving person. Not for the other people, but for me. I want to let go. And let things just be. I want to be a happier person.

Over the years, I've learned how to do that with friends. To let them go. Even when I didn't want to. Realizing, the ones that truly care, well, they never really go away. A great example is My Music Man. As much as I have pushed him away, he's fought to be part of my life. He truly wants to be in my life.

And I need to do this. I need to be graceful enough to stop holding the hurt. For those siblings that honestly hurt me, so painfully so, I need to let go of it. It doesn't mean that I have to tolerate their actions. But I also don't have to hold on to all of that hurt and pain.

Most of all, I need to continue to pray for God's love and guidance. To allow him to show me the way. To lead me towards the good in life. To help me make my talents stronger. If it's medicine I'm meant to work in, I know, God will help me find the way. Finances and all. He's always been here.

But as much as I need and want to do all of this, I need to remember me. I need to start putting me and my needs ahead of others. Because I never do. How can I be a better person, if I never work on me? How can I be strong enough to take care of others, if I'm not taking care of me? I need to learn how to be better to myself.

Days like today, remind of how blessed I am. But they also show me how far I still need to go. God's journey for us, well it takes a lifetime. We're never really done. But with each new step, we grow. Stronger, more loving, and into better souls. ♫

Thinking About Christmas...

There was not a whole lot that I expected, or wanted, this year for Christmas. I was hoping for a simple day or two at home, with my parents. I had a few things that I really wanted. A couple of craft books, a crochet magazine subscription, and a scarf. Mostly, I was looking forward to some chili rellenos, and time with my parents. And I really wanted to go to Midnight Mass at our church.

It's almost been a month since Christmas. And honestly, this year, Christmas was a blur. I'm not even sure if I wished my Mom a Merry Christmas. I spent the early morning hours talking to my Dad, and praying. Usually I'm up wrapping presents until 4AM! And I had planned on going to Midnight Mass alone. But none of that happened.

It's all OK though. Because my Dad is OK. Minus the little sugar scare yesterday morning. He's honestly doing really well. Gaining strength with each passing day. And I guess being Diabetic Certified is coming in handy now. :) But honestly, Christmas came and went with little notice by me. Sad, but true. All that was on my mind, was getting my Dad healthy. And keeping my Mom calm.

A few years ago, I had a pretty sad Christmas too. Just some personal things that were going on. In the end, my parents and I enjoyed a quiet holiday together. Just the 3 of us. And after Christmas, we took a little road trip through the mountains. That was the year that taught me a lot about myself. For all sorts of reasons.

This year, I looked back on that simple holiday. I'm one of those people that usually write out 500 Christmas cards, bake enough cookies for the US Army, and decorate my house to look like a Christmas Wonderland. Christmas is truly one of my favorite times of year. I just love my religion, and this holiday is all about religion.

But that year, and this past year, it was different. I came home Wednesday, and I saw my sad decorations. Just a wreath on my door, and some bells on my front door. That's it!!! Not me at all! I never set up my Advent Wreath, or Nativity Scene set up. I didn't pick out a Christmas outfit, never finished my shopping, or started my baking, no Christmas cards were sent, and honestly, I think I wore a mismatched pair of sweats on Christmas Day. With snowflake socks, and the same pair of ballet flats that I wore for 2 weeks! I definitely didn't pack, to be home for almost a month.

This year, I definitely became closer to God. It was the first time that I was really scared about losing my Dad. Really scared! As a medical professional, I'm trained to handle tough cases. I've saved a life with a gun to my head. But when it's your parent, it's completely different. And when you see you Dad laying on the ground, bleeding from his head, turning blue, the entire world just stops.

I kept it together. For the most part. I had to. We don't have many people to lean on. And during those first few hours, all my Mom and I really had, was each other. And I needed to protect her. I was the strong one. The one that knew what was coming. The one that sent my Mom to the waiting room, and sat there with my Dad. Knowing that pain and even a bit of yelling was coming.

I anticipated those things. I protected my Mom. And I took care of my Dad. All those nights in the hospital, I stayed up. Talking to my Dad. Praying to God. Pleading with Patrick. Holding on to my faith. And just believing we'd all be OK. I cried. But not until late at night. When my Mom was asleep.

I'm almost positive that my Dad doesn't remember any of this. Or any of the conversations we had. I held tight to my faith. I prayed. I asked God for his grace, love, and strength. And I just held out hope.

We were very lucky. To have amazing people in our lives. Having some of the most amazing friends and family. Friends who are close to my heart. People that I feel closer to than my own family. Lots of prayers. From family and friends, near and far. People who visited every single day. Loved ones that were there for us, when we needed them the most. Whether it was the daily visit, the delicious food, the conversations, the support, or the love...it all meant so much!!!

And during this time, I really felt God's love. I have amazing friends here, that prayed for my Dad and our family. Friends who have never met my parents. They held special masses, said rosaries, and just prayed for us. So many people prayed. And through the power of prayer, love, and support...my Dad made it! :)

It's going to be a long recovery. It's an adjustment for my parents. But I'm just grateful to have my Dad back. He's making a recovery. And I'm so grateful for that. I'm literally speechless. God is Great!!!

This year, Christmas came almost a week late. No fancy dinner. No mass. Heck, I was still wrapping the few presents we had managed to buy one another. It took hours to get through our few gifts. You know, we had a break for a snack, and a little nap. But in the end, I was happy to be with my 2 parents. At home. And healthy.

Christmas isn't about presents, parties, shopping, big meals, or even actually attending mass. It's about those things we hold dear in our hearts. Celebrating Jesus Christ. Remembering what's important. The power of prayer. And the love of family and friends.

This year, the Christmas tree, lights, and all that wrapping paper didn't matter. I didn't watch a single Christmas movie. And I only had 1 relleno. Yes, 1! But I've never been so happy to sit in my parent's living room, listening to my parents sleep. Silly I know. But for us, this year, it really was the sound of pure bliss.

And after weeks at home, 2 trips to my home and back, lots of cooking, cleaning, and medical advice...I'm just happy to know my parents are doing well. Years from now, I'll look back on this holiday season, and remember all the love that I'm surrounded with. The people that truly love me and my family. The people that matter most. I'll remember how love really does conquer all. And that nothing is more important than religion.

Now, I need to get ready. I'm heading home for work. I'll be back by Sunday. To work out here. Honestly, I'm just excited to see my parents! It's been less than 48 hours since I've last seen them. And only 8 hours since we've talked on the phone. But honestly, I cherish every moment that we share. Happy Friday! ♫

Praying for My Daddy

Loving God,
you watch over each and every one of your children.
Hear my prayer for my father.
Be his constant companion.
Protect him no matter where he goes,
and bring him safely and quickly home to those who
love him.
We ask this through Christ our Lord.
Amen.

We have been so lucky. God has worked in some truly amazing ways. My Daddy is recovering. It looks as though, he's going to be OK. He's going to make it past all of this. God has given us all a second chance. One that I'm so grateful for!

I will still ask for your prayers. And all of your positive thoughts. It's going to be a long road. That much I know. Life is going to be a bit more complicated. We're going to need a few more patients. But we're grateful. Grateful for a second chance.

My family has been so blessed. With so many people, that love and care about us. With a steady, and constant flow of visitors. Such kind hearted people. And such a talented medical team. We're so grateful. Words can't describe just how much it's meant to us.

And for as tired as we are, we're happy. Beyond ecstatic! Just for a second chance. A few more days to fill with love and memories. Another shot at being a family. Yes, we're so excited!

It looks like my Dad should be released within the next few days. Like I said, he's getting better. It's going to take a while for him to recover. But my Mom and I, are just happy to have him. We're ready for the road to recovery, that lies in front of us. ♫

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas! First and foremost, I want to thank my Dear Lord. For giving my Daddy, a second chance. It looks like he is going to recover. That's what the doctor has told us. He's still not out of danger. We're still in the ICU. And it's going to be a very long road. But he should make it. Praise God!

So a little information. My Dad's scans and test all came back looking good. But the doctor is still concerned with a few things. His medication was ridiculously low. So they increased that. His oxygen levels are also really low. So they're monitoring that. He as to have oxygen on 24/7. At least for now. And his sugars are running really high.

But the main concern is pneumonia. Because of his age. And he's had it before. So about twice an hour, they come in to suction him. He does not like it one bit! What can you do? They are really worried about that though.The nurses constantly come to check. Because if the pneumonia fully develops, we're in trouble.

With all that said, he's doing better. Not 100%. Heck, we might be at 20%. But he's doing better. Tonight, he might get his first meal. He's supposed to have a "clear liquid" tray. Of course, he is more concerned with my Mom and I eating. But we have amazing friends and family. All of whom, have been wonderful! We've had more than enough to eat. Thank you guys!

In his usual fashion, my Dad is trying to get out of bed, when we're not paying attention. But for the most part, he's been sleeping. We've had a pretty steady stream of visitors. And we are honestly so blessed. So many people stayed here at the hospital, with us, last night. I think we were up until 2AM!

My Dad is no where near "being himself." He's sleeping a lot. The really deep sleep. Mostly because of all the medications. He's also not really talking. But he is semi aware, of what is going on. He watches us all. And is doing pretty well. And when the doctor told him it was Christmas, he said, "Holy cow! Are you sure? I need to shop." The doctor just laughed! There will be plenty of time to celebrate, when he feeling better.

We've got another amazing nurse today. He's had so much patients with my Dad. Who insisted on sitting in a chair this morning. It took them about 30 minutes to get him in the chair. Then he told the nurse he was tired. So we put him back to bed. And he's been asleep since. So, he really hasn't sat up since Thursday morning.

Like I said, we've had so many visitors. Everyone has been so kind. And we've gotten so many phone calls. We are truly blessed. Like I said, my Dad is making small improvements. We still don't know what's wrong. And honestly, he's not really talking yet. So they can't ask him too many questions.

My Mom is handling this pretty well. Although, she won't leave my Dad's side. But I'm making sure she eats. And sleeps. I've also made sure she is semi-comfortable. Has the necessities and clean clothes. We're just trying to make it. That's all I can say.

I'll keep everyone, as updated, as I can. You can call at anytime. I have all 3 of our cellphones. And you are more than welcomed, to call the hospital room. Or come by! My Dad might not talk to you on the phone, but he enjoys getting the calls. He really lights up when he sees new faces.

Looks like he's waking up. I better get going. I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas. Please keep my family in your prayers. Remember us today, while you are in church. May you have a wonderful day. Merry Christmas! ♫

Please Pray

We've had a pretty bad 24 hours. And now, I'm asking you all for your positive thoughts and prayers. My Dad got really sick yesterday. A lot worse than his "normal" for seizures. And by 9PM, I was calling an ambulance.

We spent a couple of hours in the emergency room. And then we were all rushed up to the ICU. I know it's bad. My Dad is in bed #1. But we've had a good team. An incredibly talented doctor last night. And an outstanding nurse here in the ICU.

Right now, they have my Dad pretty medicated. And he is going to spend most of the morning having scans and tests run. He is completely out of it. But at least, his breathing is becoming more easy. Last night, he struggled so much. At one point, I honestly wasn't sure if he was going to make it. And that really scared me.

I don't have anyone's phone numbers. Neither does my Mom. So if any of my family is reading this, send me a text or an e-mail. I'll let you know what is going on. But for now, please pray for my Daddy.

And I truly hope that everyone has a very blessed Christmas. I will try to keep everyone updated, as much as possible. I love you all. ♫

Thankful

The last few weeks, heck, the last few months have been tough. Crippling at times. I'm not going to lie. But tonight, I'm Thankful. And very grateful. My Goddaughter, My Lil' Southern Belle, she made it out of surgery. It's going to be a long road. A long road to recovery. But we're all going to make it.

I pray every single day. For her health, safety, and happiness. It means so much to me. Having so much faith in God, it makes my life so much more rewarding. I never feel alone. Because I have someone to depend on. Someone who is always here for me. I'm Thankful. God is the greatest!

And as I know, through experience from the hospital, this is going to be a long road. But I know, by having faith, we're all going to make it. My Lil' Southern Belle is going to make it. She's going to get healthy and strong. And one day, we'll get to run around together. Play in the playground. And snuggle up in bed together. I know this. Because I believe in God. ♫

Life Moves On

It's crazy how fast life moves forward. Like if you blink your eyes, you'll miss everything. Just days ago, I cried myself to sleep. Missing one of the most important people in my life. The pain hasn't gone away. It still hurts thinking about Patrick. But today, one of my closest friends is getting married.

Life is definitely moving forward. I'm laying here, looking at this beautiful, pink dress. I'm in the wedding. And I'm supposed to be happy. This is a day of celebration. But I'm not sure that my heart and soul are in it today. My "acting skills" are going to have to be good today.

Life is just tough like that. You know what I mean? I'm so happy for my friends. What a glorious day! This is really one of those couples that is going to make it. You just know it. They're perfect for each other. And I want all the happiness in the world for them.

You know, I've hosted showers and parties for them. It's a big deal that they're getting married. Just a month ago, I was so excited. Today, I'm having trouble talking myself into just going. I want to lay in bed all day.

But I'm going to put my "Big Girl Panties" on. And I'm going to get out of bed. I'm going to take a shower and head over to the hotel. This is going to be an amazing day! I just know it. I might have to say a few extra prayers and talk myself into having some fun, but I'm going to enjoy this "Big Pink Wedding!" ♫

I've Had Just Enough Time...

Isn't that so appropriate? Just enough time. I'm going to be honest here, I never thought I'd make it to 21. That's 21 years old. And here I am, 27 years old...

I don't know what it was. But I always had this feeling, that I'd die young. Believe me, I've been in the position to die more than once. There were car accidents, health issues, and being held at gunpoint. More than once. Have I mentioned how unsafe my job can be?

But for whatever reason, My Dear Lord feels like I need to be on this Earth. He must have better plans for me. And I'm grateful. I get to live. And to have a positive impact on so many lives. It really is amazing.

But this song, since the first day I heard it, it touched something deep in my soul. Something that I couldn't quite understand. But something that just felt right. That felt honest, comforting, and welcoming. I can't explain it.

In more ways that one, I can relate to this song. The lyrics, it's like someone was looking into my heart and soul. No lie. There are very few songs that speak to me like this one. But this song, it just does that to me. And I find a lot of comfort in listening to this beautiful song. ♫