Depression

Over the last few weeks, I've been thinking long and hard about this topic. Why? I feel like it keeps coming up. I've seen family members talk about it, on Facebook. I've heard people, discussing it. And recently, at funerals, there's been a lot of whispering...around this topic.

"Depression...a state of feeling sad, anger, and anxiety. A mood disorder marked by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies."

I looked up that definition. And thought, how many people could fit into that category? How many people that I know. So many! So many of us, just keep moving forward. So many of us, pretending that we're OK.

I'm the Queen of the "I'm Fine" game. "How are you feeling?" "Fine." "How is everything going?" "Fine." "Do you need help with anything?" "No, I'm fine." Because that's how I was raised. To be OK. Not to bother people with my problems. To show people, from the outside looking in, that I was OK.

Until the day...that I wasn't. I can't really explain what happened. How it happened. Or why it happened. I just know, it happened. One day, I was OK. And the next, I wasn't. Not many people know this. But I'm about to share with you, one of the darkest times, of my life.

I was in college. A lot had been happening. I was away from home, for the first time. Hours away from my family. About 2/3 of my friends had moved away. To pursue work, in a bigger field. I had lost 5 pivotal people, in my life. Had 2 major car accidents. One in which, I almost died. Had a major operation. That would alter my life. I wouldn't tell my family about that. And had been held at gunpoint...more times than I can count on my hands.

Life was a little stressful. And I wasn't sure, who I could turn to. I didn't want to damper my friends' spirits. They were so excited about these new adventures. Moving, touring, having the best time. I didn't want to disappoint my parents. Or burden my family. I was falling apart.

And on this particular Thursday morning, I walked into my psychology class. Like I had so many times before. Sat down. And waited for one of my favorite professors, to start teaching.

What I didn't realize was, he was watching me. Studying me. That entire 110 minute class. He knew something wasn't right. When class ended, Dr. D asked me to step into his office. I remember my heart racing. What could this be about?

I would spend the next 4 hours, sitting in a chair, in his corner office...crying. Uncontrollably. He was the first person, to see me fall, completely apart. He saw all the signs that day. Things I would have never imagined. Things he'd watched over the last two weeks. But suddenly, they were screaming at him.

Dr. D would cancel his last class of the day. To talk with me. To make sure, I was OK, to go home. Alone. That I wouldn't hurt myself. He called colleagues of his. To insure, I'd have a doctor the next morning. He set up, all of my care.

I still get emotional, thinking about it. Knowing, this man saved my life. My favorite professor, who talked for days and days. This man, that I'd see at various school functions. That without a second thought, I'd see him and his wife, every single Saturday running up A Mountain. He saved my life.

Dr. D was the person that stopped my train wreck. From the outside, everything appeared to be OK. I went to school every single day. I had straight As, and was on the Dean's List. I worked at the hospital. And doing gigs. Everything seemed to be going great.

But inside, I was broken. Completely, 100%. I would call my parents every day. And for 30 minutes, I'd tell them about all the good things. I made it home, about once every two months. No family visited me. Not even my parents. And it was working out OK. I could hide from everyone.

Now, I was faced, with this demon. The one living inside me. Weighing me down. Eating me alive. Tearing me apart. On that Friday morning, I went to class as normal. Dr. D called the hospital for me, and was able to get me out of work. For the weekend. I went to Dr. D's office. Not only was he a professor, he had a private practice. That is where I went. And where I'd meet Dr. M and Dr. E who would walk this journey with me.

I was going through all of this. And living with chronic pain. In my back and neck. Due to cheerleading. And those recent accidents. I was also experiencing a ton of hip pain. I was not being treated for anything. Didn't even take a Tylenol. I didn't drink. Or do drugs.

All of a sudden, I was in a room. With three professionals. Letting everything out. Telling them about my life. Past and present. I have never cried so much in my life! All of a sudden, it was like the dam had broke. And I couldn't keep anything in. No matter how hard I tried.

I'm a strong person. One that shoulders a ton of responsibility. And every one's problems. But rarely, did I deal with my own emotions. Until that day. By 7PM, I was exhausted! All I wanted to do, was go home. But these three, had other plans for me. They'd rent a hotel suite...and I'd spend my weekend there. We each had our own room. But they could watch over me.

During this weekend, I talked more, than I've ever talked in my life! I cried. I let these people, into my life. In a way, that I had never let anyone else in. And on Sunday evening, we made a plan. One that included 2 hour sessions of therapy, 5 days a week. And prescriptions. The only way, they'd let me go home, was to agree to check in, 3 times a day.

And for the next 6 months, this is what I did. No breaks. No days off. Just dealing with all of this. Learning tools, that I'd use for a lifetime. Tools that would become essential, for my basic life.

I'm grateful for their help. For 10 hours a week, I could be honest. Without being judged. I could just be me. After 6 months, my sessions were reduced. To 1 hour, 5 times a week. It was still a lot. But it was what I needed. I remained on this program for 18 months. For the 6 months that followed, I was weaned to 2, 2 hour sessions a week. A year later, I'd go to therapy like a more normal person. 1, 1 hour session, every other week.

I still take medication. Albeit, it's a lot less. Maybe 1/10 of where I started. And I still have a rough day, from time to time. But I spent a LONG time, dealing with my emotions. Working through my problems. And learning, how to deal with all these stressors.

It was a TON of work! But something I will always be grateful for. When I look back, on the last 7 years, I would have NEVER made it...had I not had this experience. I learned how to deal with all these things. And when my Dad got sick, I needed those tools. I needed to deal with things as they were coming. Emotions and all. And I needed to know, it was OK...to put some things, on the back burner.

Life has not been easy for me. But it has been something, that I learned how to deal with. I can tell you about countless days, were I'd cry on the floor of the shower. When my Dad was sick. Or the hopelessness, I felt when he died. Or the overwhelming feelings I experienced, when my Mom got sick.

But I learned how to deal with my problems. Have there been times, when I scared myself? Yes! During my darkest days, I can remember that familiar drive back and forth. Three hours one way. And going over the large bridges thinking, "Life would just be better without me." Honestly, I felt that way. It's one of the reasons, I was so willing to seek treatment. Those things scared me.

I never actually tried to hurt myself. But I did think things like this. I often wonder, had I not gone through treatment, how would it have ended? Would I have driven my car, off of one of those bridges? Would I have done something worse? Could I have hurt myself?

I don't know. And honestly, I'm glad I'll never know. Because it scares me now. To think of the things I could have done. To think I could have hurt myself. I could have even killed myself. What would that have done, to my family? My friends? And my parents?

It took me, years to let my parents in. To let them know, I had this weakness. This issue, that I had no control over, when it began. But something I worked hard, to deal with. My parents never judged me. Never thought I was less than. They were only supportive.

Have I had relapses? In some small way...yes. I've continued with medication. Like I said, at much lower levels. I've also found other ways of coping. Running, baking, crafting, volunteering, writing letters/notes to people, working on our foundation, work in general, meditating, praying, through music, and with my pup. It's all been helpful.

But even now, I will Skype with one of my 3 doctors...at least once every four months. Just to make sure I'm OK. To talk through issues, I might be going through. To just work through stuff.

When my Dad was sick, I could feel myself slipping. Back into those patterns. I'd live in sweats. Didn't care if 2 or 3 days would go by, without showering. Stopped caring about my appearance, if I ate, or even slept. It was getting rough. The last 6 months, of my Dad's life, I was losing myself.

One day, in the hospital, I saw myself. I'd lost 10 pounds. Didn't care about my appearance. Or about anything other than my Dad. It took me back, to years prior. When I'd been 93 pounds. Alone in my home. Without any cares. I wasn't sleeping. And I just didn't care. It scared me.

During this time, I knew I was losing my Dad. I knew there was nothing I could do. I also knew, life was about to change dramatically. For about 9 months, after my Dad's passing, I was just trying to survive. I was using coping skills, that I'd learned. And just trying to work through all the emotions I was feeling.

Had I not had years and years of therapy, under my belt, I probably would have cracked. Had some sort of breakdown. Who knows what would have happened. But being that raw, didn't scare me. I knew, I could work through it. I had a whole bunch of tools, that I could turn to.

I guess, the reason I wanted to write this post...is to be honest. To let you know, it's OK. If you're going through this, it's OK. There are people willing to help. There are people that have gone through the same things, and come out the other side. Most of all, there are people that care.

Contemplating suicide, at any level...is a real emotion. It's raw. It's difficult. But honestly, it should never be an option. There should ALWAYS be someone to turn to. Someone to help you. Someone, that is on your side.

I think now, how selfish it would have been, for me to drive off of a cliff. But at the time, in a three hour drive...I'd think about it, at least 10 times. Now I realize, had I done that...who would have taken care of my Dad? Or now, my Mom? Where would my crazy dogs be? My family would still miss me. And so would my friends.

But when this disease, has you, in the palm of it's ugly hand...you just can't think straight. If you are struggling. And reading this...send me a message. Let me help you. I WANT TO HELP YOU!!!

People always think, they can yell at you. Get you to snap out of it. Like you are just sad. But you're not, just sad. It's more than that. And you need help. You need a caring hand. Someone to just listen to you. Sometimes, just to sit with you.

Will this be a lifelong battle for me? I'm not sure. I'm nearing a monumental point in my journey. Stopping all medication. But continuing to journal every single day. To meditate. To work on my illness, in other ways. I'm excited. And scared. Scared to death, that I might have some sort of relapse.

But it's definitely time, for me to do this, without medication. To trust my body. And work on my mind. To know, that it has been years, since it's been really bad. That those days of not eating, not caring, and spending all my free time sleeping...are well behind me.

It's a little more complex for me. I was diagnosed with OCD, when I was 7 years old. It's something that I've had to work through. It explains why instead of playing, I'd spend hours organizing my books, as a child. As a teenager, I'd rather hangout alone...than deal with the chaos that too many friends made. Or why in my home, every single thing, had a place. No dish, or spoon, or hair tie was ever out of sorts. Every single surface was scrubbed clean. The yard, looked like I had a gardener.

But when you mix that with depression, it's tough. It makes your mind feel like, a complete world of chaos. All the time! Little things trigger, anger and frustration. Migraines, are just something I deal with, because of all these issues.

But all of these things, don't overwhelm me. They've changed the person I am. And maybe when I do things. Like avoiding Walmart...like the plague, on the weekend. Only doing my grocery shopping, early in the morning. Or just staying home. Because for me, the triggers are stress, chaos, and crowds.

I also know, I want to live. I want to live a long life.  A successful life. And I productive life. I know that one day, I want to have a family of my own. And I want to have these issues, under my belt. Not in the forefront, of my life. As hard as some days are, they are worth it. Just to know, that this is not always my life. I'm full of hope. That tomorrow, I'll be stronger than today. ♫

Sisterly Love

If you are someone from my family, you know, I have 8 half siblings. For my entire life, I've been closer to my 2 youngest sisters. Unfortunately, many of my brothers and I, aren't exactly on the same page. But my sisters, they've been there for me.

It's crazy. In the last 12 years or so, I've really lost touch with my hermanas. It makes me so sad. It hardens my heart. And honestly, it makes me feel incomplete. I really wish, that I could get in touch, with my sisters.

My Mom's daughter and I, were never super close. But we got along. And we saw each other when we could. But honestly, it's been nearly 10 years since we've seen each other. That saddens me. So much!

About 2 months ago, I reached out. We sent text messages back and forth. And talked about meeting up. Before she left town. Unfortunately, it didn't work out. I wish it had. I miss my sister. And now, all I can do is hope. That we can reconnect sometime soon.

Then there is my Dad's daughter. We were super close. For years and years, there was rarely a day that would go by, that we didn't see each other. I love my sister so much. We were so close. And it's super sad to say, but we haven't spoken in almost 10 1/2 years!

I think about her all the time. And honestly, I wish I could talk to her. I wish that we'd run into each other. Somewhere. Because I really miss her. We were so close. I miss that. She was the only sibling, that I've ever had, who treated me with love, respect, and care.

Most of all, I miss just hanging out with her. Laughing. Sharing our lives. Cooking together. The simple things. Celebrating our birthdays together. I miss just spending time together. Being sisters and friends. I miss my sister more than words can say.

It's crazy. The older I get, the more I miss my sisters. It's like I need them more. I need them in my life. I want them in my life. If only. If only we were closer. We had more time together. Had a better bond. Didn't have the family issues to deal with.

My sisters mean the world to me. And if I can help mend our broken relationships, I'm all in! If only I had a way to get in touch with them. To build back our broken relationships. To be sisters and friends again. I pray for this every single day! ♫

Oh Mr.

I've been lucky the last few days. My Music Man has been in town, and we've spent some time just hanging out. Catching up, before he leaves, for 6 weeks in Europe!

My Music Man has been working hard. In my hometown. And I got the opportunity to "steal" him away on Friday. His parents and I showed up, and we took him out to dinner. Yum! Was the food delish! And the company was so good. We laughed the entire time. And honestly, I don't think anyone missed him at "work." There was just so much going on. But we did manage to get him back, before the entire event was over.

But it was nice to enjoy time with him and his parents. It doesn't happen much. Actually, it's rare. But definitely a fun time to be had. That is definitely one family I'd love to be a part of. You know what I mean?

On Saturday, Mr. Wonderful there, got me some tickets. I ended up going to the concert by myself. I knew my parents wouldn't be up to it. But I was set to have some fun! Meeting the Mr. and his parents for dinner, just before the show. :) We had a yummy dinner. And prepared for a fun show. Full of beautiful music. And a little singing from My Music Man. It was wonderful! I don't know who the bigger fan was...me, his sister, or his mom. But this guy, had an entire section of fans. And I'm not just saying the 3 of us!

After the concert, my "Wanna-Be-In-Laws" went to gamble in the Casino. We headed to one of the Ballrooms. Which was set up for some "jamming." One thing you should know about our Music Conferences, is there is a ton of "jamming" that happens. Generally, there is a location, where everyone just shows up. Instruments in hand. And you just play. Everyone joins in. Teachers, students, anyone. And we sing. And dance. It really is a lot of fun. And that's what we thought we'd be doing.

Nope. The "Jam Session" turned into a night of dancing. One of the guys, that I worked with in my hometown, well his brother is a DJ. And came out for free. We had a great time. Lots of really good people. Having a lot of fun! And a lot of dancing happening!

Before I knew it, money was coming out of his wallet. Directed at the "Free DJ." To play this song...



A smile found it's way to his lips. My heart melted a bit. And we danced. No lie. I'm turning into one of those women.

Before long, the man with all the chivalry in the world, was punching out that musician. The one neither of us can stand. The one that prevented the Mr. from getting a job. In my hometown. And is now jealous of My Music Man's success. Did I mention? He can't stand me either. The feelings are mutual.

My Music Man has found himself on the other side of "that punch" before. During that time when we weren't talking. When I couldn't stand him. When he was mean as heck! And 'Ol Blue Eyes decked him. During our rehearsal. No lie...

But to see him punch someone else, well that just makes, well wonder. I'm grateful for My Music Man. And all of his good values. Before I knew it, that musician was being dragged out of there. My Music Man was checking to see if I was OK. And well, the rest of the musicians were on our side.

Yes, it's been a complicated and difficult road for My Music Man and I. We've had good times. Really good times. But we've also had really, really, really bad times. There was a two year span, when we didn't even talk. That's how much anger was there.

But whenever I've needed him the most, this man has been there. For whatever it was, that I needed. I'm so thankful. And grateful. That he is in my life. We encounter many people, like that rude musician. And never, not one single time, has he not defended me. My Music Man makes me feel so incredibly special. And worthwhile.

At the end of the night, we said our goodbyes. And got one of those truly amazing hugs of his. I went home with a knowledge, that someone out there, really does love me. Not out of obligation. But out of want. Beyond all the storybook lines, he really does love me. Maybe it's time, to start letting that love in. Into my heart. And really believing him. After 10 years, there's little, that we don't know, about one another. ♫

Mean

It's been 18 months...

He tells people all the good things. Tries to act like "the good guy." But he's not. And there are some people, that can see through it. They call me and ask me. I'm truthful. If you want to know, just ask. I'll tell you.



This song, the moment I heard it, reminded me of him. Because he's mean. Cruel at times. I know. I've experienced it. He knows the most hurtful things to say. And just when to say them.

But like the song says, one day, I'll be doing better. Living a better life. And where will he be? You know, there are already so many people, that don't want to be around him. He's going to be all alone.

It's sad. A person like this can damage so many lives. Hurt so many people. Be so deceitful. Can literally ruin a family. But I won't let him ruin me. I'll prove to him, that I'm a better person. I will make more of my life.

It's horrible to have to feel this way. And to know the real reason. But I can't change it. He doesn't give me reasons to change it. All I can do is, pray. And let God take care of it.

I guess the craziest part is, he wants to go to my house. Yes, my house! Really?!?!?! Because that will never, ever happen. Not when I know the truth. When I know that he sent an ex-con my way. Trying to intimidate me. It didn't work.

But one day, people will know the truth. They'll know the kind of person that he is. The kind of things that he does. They will know the facts. All I really know is, I'm not going to let him get me down. Not for one more day. I'm stronger than this. And I will prove that much. ♫

I Have a Secret...

I almost got married once. Only a handful of people know about this. Until now. But ya, little 'ol me, once almost got married. Here's the story...

When I was a freshman in college, I was juggling a lot. It was the first time I lived on my own, I was in college, had a new mortgage, worked a "real" job, had to figure out how to do laundry, I pumped my own gas for the very first time, and "really" cooked! I was just trying to survive. Oh, and then, 9/11 happened. That changed a lot. 9/11 would change a lot about my future education plans. Things that I never thought would change...they changed!

Some time between starting college, and 9/11, I met him. My Music Man. The one man, that would haunt my life...and at times, save me from myself. He was that man that every single female fell for. Every SINGLE one! Which isn't horrible when you work for tips...you know, as a Mariachi. But from the beginning, I never felt “worthy” of being around him. Like I wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t the way he acted, or treated me. But the way other people viewed him.

We became fast friends. Spent lots of time before and after rehearsals together, laughing and talking. Before long, we were in the same Mariachi, spent at least 40 hours a week together. And learned how to pack food in our luggage. Anything to save a few pennies, to pay for college. Yes, we took oranges, peanut butter, and crackers with us to Orlando. Because we were poor…

Ya, we figured out that I cheered at his old high school. At least 8 times a year. My Music Man is 3 years older than me. But he still went to his old high school’s games, after he graduated. During the time when I was on my high school's varsity cheer team. He went because his younger brother went to the games. His brother is younger than me.

Yes, we had met years before. When I cheered. And he was trying to figure out how we (the cheerleaders) could bend “like that.” And how in the heck, could we pull off those tricks. And why in the heck would we cheer, in the middle of a snowstorm, in tiny skirts. We were hardcore cheerleaders. The ones from his high school, they rarely went to the games. And our coach, well she thought that cheerleading was our life. We didn’t miss a thing. Including the Band Competing in the “Battle of the Bands.” Yes, we cheered for that! :P

So ya, we met. We actually shared a meal. Because 5 of us, and our coach got stuck, in his hometown. And we were stuck at Wendy's. Eating French fries and Frosties, at 2AM, during a snowstorm. We had met. He actually bought us real food. As in meals. I remember him telling us, “You ladies need a proper dinner. I saw how hard you worked. Very talented.” The only guy on our team was with us. And he was not impressed. I remember him calling him a Jack A#@. Under his breath of course. Did I mention? He was also my best friend. Somewhere between passing out the food, and going for ketchup, My Music Man asked me, for my phone number. And I gave him, a friend's phone number. Instead of mine. :)

But in college, it was different. He made my heart skip a beat. My tummy would get butterflies. And well, it just felt “right.” Hilariously, we were set up together. To sing. Lots and lots of duets. Which required a crap load of rehearsal time. And a bit of acting...

We started to realize things. Like he lived a few blocks down the road from me. Any given day, we were both happy to be eating Ramen noodles. Yes, we were those "Poor College Students." He walked to school, to save money on parking. I spent hours in the library, trying to save money on books. We both enjoyed old movies, and the craziest jokes. Running was our second favorite past time, to music of course! And hunting, fishing, and camping...well to both of us, it's just a part of life. :) Let’s not forget Salsa dancing. And the occasional midnight, ice cream run. :)

I also had a roommate that was making life horrible. So I needed someone to vent to. To tell how frustrated I was. Because I did everything in the house. All the cleaning. My food was frequently stolen. Things were being broken. No one cleaned but me. And well, my roomie wasn't doing anything. So I vented to My Music Man. Who listened. Really listened. And at the perfect moment, gave me one of those big bear hugs. Remedy to all!

Then, one day, we were talking to some friends. They had recently gotten married. And now, 90% of their tuition, books, and fees were paid for. Why? Because they were a married couple. HELLO!!! The bells were going off. We had this amazing idea...

It was the end of January. I was a freshman in college. I needed money. WE needed money! Ya, I had scholarships. But well, I needed help living. You know, once in a while, I wanted to eat a decent meal. So the idea was born.

We decided to get married. Nothing else would change. He'd stay in his $1000/month apartment. The entire place could fit into my living room. No lie! And I'd stay in my home. But school, it would be completely paid for. Completely! It sounded like heaven. :)

Being the chivalrous man that he is, My Music Man decided to take things into his hands. He paid for our blood tests. Yes, our state requires them. And he footed the bill for the license. He also went to an Antique Store, and bought us rings. They were the perfect fit. No sizing required! Quite beautiful, if I say so myself. :) We were all set. Our appointment with the Justice of the Peace was set. 4PM on a Friday afternoon. It gave us enough time to make it legal, and still make it to our Mariachi gig. How very romantic we are! :P

Well, our vocal lesson lasted longer than it should have. And we couldn't find a parking. Which made us late. And we missed our appointment! We couldn't wait another 30 minutes for the last appointment. We'd be late to work. So we figured we'd try again, the next week.

God had other plans. You see, My Music Man's Dad, is good friends with a certain Indian Chief. Who signed a certain paper, declaring that a certain man was at least 33% Native American. This allowed the government to pay for his entire tuition, fees, and books. And he got a monthly stipend. This happened on Monday. 3 days after our original wedding date.

So now, we didn't have to get married. His school was paid for. And with that extra money, well he paid for gas. To get us to work. You know, we had to travel, at least 50 miles one way, to gigs. And we did this 4-5 times a week. I also had a steady stream of food. We now lived off of PB&J sammies, or bean burritos. We were really living it up!

In the years that have followed, actual “real” proposals have happened. With big diamond engagement rings and all. So fancy! He's gone on to bigger and better things. Traveling the world, performing his beautiful music. Making a 7 figure salary. Touring with amazing performers. As the jobs have gotten better, the rings have gotten even bigger. And I've still said nothing…

I'm not sure what it is. But I don't want him to "settle." Or feel obligated to me. I started thinking about this recently. Because we had a serious conversation. And we also went down “Memory Lane.” Because he was getting ready to sell one of his cars. And we found a small box. With that beautiful ring.

The one that he bought. At that dusty Antique Store. The original ring. That would have made me his Mrs. And he my Mr. We had planned this, to pay for school. But he's not the kind of man, that would just walk away. I've always known that. Had we gotten married, all those years ago, we'd probably have 2.5 kids by now. With some dogs running around. In a beautiful home. My Music Man providing for his family. Allowing me, to live out my dreams. Because, he's that "Old Fashioned Man."

I'm not sure if our path was a good one, or a bad one. Or if we really should have just gotten married. Could you have imagined how we would have told our families...talk about insanity! We may have killed my Dad on the spot! And his family…well I don’t even know what to say. Did I forget to mention, just 6 weeks later, we were in Sin City. Oh ya baby! We almost took the plunge again. This time, I don't really know what prompted it. But we were standing in the “Little White Chapel.” Calling some friends. Apparently, you need a witness or two. :P Instead of saying "I do," we shared a mini wedding cake.

Out of all the men I've ever known, he is probably the only one, that I really saw myself, having a life with. Envisioning our life together. All those conversations we've had. Talks about how many kids, where to live, careers, finances, and religion. All of those things. By the way, we wanted 3, maybe 4 kids. And 2 dogs. :)

But in the end, I'm just not sure. I don't think I could ever really give 100% of myself to anyone. I'm just not that person. And honestly, he needs that kind of a woman. He was meant to be an amazing husband and father. That much I know.

After nearly 10 years, I know that much. That this man, no matter what he says, needs that kind of a woman. That gives 100% of herself. And as much as I want to be a SAHM and wife, I'm just not sure we were meant for one another. But, I thank God every single day for him. He is definitely one of my very best friends. We've had our good times, but we've also had some of the worst times together. And we've made it out of those bad times. Actually, those bad times, made our bond stronger. Much stronger. He knows some of my deepest, darkest secrets. The things I’m most afraid of. And I know all about his dreams for the future.

Who knows. One day, I might just show up, in my hometown. Newly married. I might still become that "barefoot and pregnant woman." His Mrs. and “Baby Mama.” The one that gives up her career, to be the SAHM. You know the one. That makes all the class snacks, goes on every field trip, and has dinner on the table...when her hubby gets home. I guess you just never know what My Music Man and I will do. There have been so many opportunities. You just never know...



And just a little bit of fun. But really I like that song. You know, our life paths are not set in stone. Not yet anyway! I might just pick up and do something silly. Like let myself fall in love. There is still a little bit of hope out there. ♫

Faith in God

I haven't updated you on My Lil' Southern Belle. For quite a while. But in her nearly 8 months, my little angel has been through so much. Do you remember her arrival? Ya, it's been tough.

And My Bestie, H, she's been struggling a lot too. Both of them have endured countless operations. My Bestie is now refusing anymore surgeries, until her little girl is doing better. And that worries me. So much!

The two really bright spots are, her brother is now with her all the time! And there is a particular man, that is just madly in love with H. And so desperately wants to be a Daddy, to this perfect little princess.

But life has not been easy. Unfortunately, I don't get to see them very often. Actually, it's been months since I've seen them. Because H lived in NC. Then a few weeks ago, she and her baby girl, were moved to TN. All for treatment. So, I don't get to see them. Not nearly as much as I'd like.

I do get to talk to H. And her brother. And this truly amazing man that loves her. The funny thing is, were all so deeply connected. My best friend, she married my boss/friend. We were the MOH and BM for the wedding. Then they separated. I became closer to Ol' Blue Eyes. And he hired H. Then we found out about My Lil' Southern Belle. Shortly after, there was this new man. Another good friend of Ol' Blue Eyes...

He and H became so close. He helped her with everything. Putting together her new house, moving, getting ready for the new baby girl. He spoiled them rotten. Bought them everything their hearts could desire. He is madly in love! Then, tragedy struck. We were all in Vegas. Except for H and her baby girl.

Now, Ol' Blue Eyes and I are Godparents, to this little angel. My friend has such an amazing support system. And a man that truly loves her. For her. And loves her baby girl. As if she were his own flesh and blood. H also got her little brother back.

On Tuesday, I got the biggest surprise ever! We were heading home. You know, our gig was over. I needed to get back to my hometown. For my niece's graduation party. And next week, on of my friends/band mates is getting married. So we loaded up some private plans. To head west.

What I failed to notice was, most of the luggage was going into our boss' plane. He told us, that he was going to head west for a few days too. Spend some time with the guys. They're going camping this weekend. And J's 2 planes were being loaded by the band and all our "crew." You know, wives, My Care Bear, Maestro G.

I boarded. Didn't think anything of it. And everyone was set to go home. What I failed to notice was, Ol' Blue Eyes and I, we were the only one in his airplane. Why? Because we were headed to TN, to see our Goddaughter.

By the time I realized, that we were the only 2 people there, the other planes were preparing for their departure. I really had no time to react. And when I found out we were going to TN, I cried. It was a short trip. And I knew it was going to be. But I was just so happy to see H and My Lil' Southern Belle.

No one knew of our plans either. Well, besides M and J. I was filled with excitement the entire flight. Just waiting to see My Bestie. The one woman, that is truly my sister. We've been through so much in our 23 years of friendship. It's unbreakable.

And the minute we walked into that room, my heart was overflowing with love. Pure emotion took over. My Bestie, all bandaged up. The unmistakable look of pain, worry, and anxiety on her face. I just hugged her. Held her as she cried. I was the strong one for her. Everything that she needed me to be. No words were shared. But everything I needed to know, I knew in that very instant.

When I got to hold that precious baby girl, I swear, I felt like God had wrapped his arms around us. She is no more than 9lbs. Not growing. Looking every bit like a newborn. Her head wrapped in bandages, and a small helmet. Tubes, IVs, and monitors surrounding her tiny body.

You'd think, with the work I do, I'd be used to this. But I wasn't. I clearly wasn't. Because this baby, I knew her. Personally. I loved her. I waited anxiously for her arrival. I prayed for her. I held her in my heart. And I was with her in the very beginning. For the first few days of her life. it was me and her. This was clearly different.

We spent a few hours there. I got to speak with her doctors, nurses, dietitians...anyone and everyone that was taking care of her. We talked about new treatments. The plans. The goals. What was next. What I thought might help. We consulted with other physicians. And I came out of it, feeling more at ease.

I wish that I had more days to spend with these 2 amazing people. Which I love so much! I wish that I could sit by that little crib, and sing lullabies, until my Goddaughter was fast asleep. I wish I could be there every single day for H. To help her through this. To make her stronger. And her daughter stronger. I wish I could. But life isn't like that. But for those few precious hours, I got to do just that.

I rocked this precious little girl. We talked. I sung my favorite lullabies. We read books. And I sat and listened to all those perfect baby sounds. I smelled her sweet baby smells. And watched her eat. I took in every second that I could. I needed to. We needed this.

And I did everything I could for H. Helped her shower. Washed her hair. Helped her to get dressed. Combed her hair. Got her good food. Made her bed a little more comfortable. Made sure she had snacks, magazines, and anything else she needed. We talked. We cried. We laughed. We hugged. And she told me that she was scared. So we prayed.

There are very few times in my life, when I've been this scared. But I was as strong as I could be. For this woman, my best friend, and her little girl. We'd walk through fire for each other. And on this day, I would have done anything that she needed. Anything.

And all there is left to do, is have faith in God. He knows best. He knows why we go through, what we go through. And only he knows why. So I told H, we must give him all of our pain, fear, and anxiety. We must trust, that he knows what's best. For all of us.

I do believe this. Deep in my heart and soul. Only God knows. And we must have faith in him. And trust him to do his work. Only he knows if this precious little girl, will ever live outside of a hospital. Or will be a normal little girl. To grow up, to be a normal woman. Only he knows.

But I still pray. And I ask for your prayers. For this little angel on Earth. And her Mommy. At the end of the end, they are really the only people that each of them has. And they need our love and prayers. Pray that God will do the best he can for them. Give them the best lives, that they can have. Please pray. ♫

Family

I'm extremely disappointed in my family. What the heck is going through their heads? My Tatie is sick. This is no time for a full out war!

I'm not claiming to be a saint. But let's be honest here. When someone is sick, and in the hospital, the family should pull together. Not pull apart. And attack each other.

I've been quietly sitting on my hands. I've texted my sister. And talked to my parents. I've asked questions about Tatie's care. Because I'm generally concerned. Being that I work in the field of medicine, have experience in nutrition, and a care about my Tatie...I ask questions.

Yes, I know about nutrients, diets, and the such. Hello! My degree, and field of primary study for my BS, is human nutrition. I'm not trying to be the doctor here. But there are some questions that you could ask. So don't bite my head off, I'm just trying to make sure my grandpa is getting the best possible care.

Another thing that has completely annoyed me this week, is how people seem to be screening who sees Tatie. Let's get real. He's got kids from 2 marriages. They're all his kids. Whether you like them or not. They have a right to see their father.

When my Dad was in the hospital, I never said anything. I welcomed my siblings. Because that is what my Dad needed. I may not like them. Or even respect them. But it's what made my Dad feel better. Happier. So why can't my aunts do the same thing?

Are you seriously not going to allow people to see Tatie, based on who has visited him. And how often? Are you serious? I for one, well, I have a Dad that has needed all the time and care I could give him. It's been just over 5 months since he almost died. Not to mention, I live 3 hours away. Work 100+ hours a week. And go to school. But I have managed to visit twice. But obviously, it's not enough for the "Guard Dogs."

So I leave it at that. You want to be that way, fine. My Tatie knows I love him. We've had some very interesting conversations. Like that day when Nanie wasn't home, and Tatie wanted to talk. He told me so much. Asked me so many questions. He knows what's going on. He's not dumb. And I know for a fact, that he knows that I love him, think about him, and pray for him every single day.

I've sent my grandparents countless packages. All to be returned. With the same handwriting. But I'm not letting it stop me. I know that I do it, out of the kindness of my heart. For my grandparents. For my Tatie. If this person doesn't like it, oh well. It's on your back, not mine. I know what I do for them. All the boxes and cards, I have them sitting in my closet. Let's not even talk about how many times I call. But you know, they screen the calls. And if they don't want to talk to you, well no one answers the phone. But at least I try.

For me, the straw that broke the camels back, was Thursday evening. Already, these people were rude to my Mom Wednesday. She went to visit her Dad. No one would let her see him. He was resting. But there were 3 visitors. Someone could have stepped out for a minute. Just so she could have seen her Dad. She didn't want to wake him. But no. That's how much care, love, and concern they have for my Mom.

Thursday evening. That was low. For everyone that was involved. Everyone that knew what was going on. After certain people went to my parents' house earlier. And then, to pull what they did. Are you serious? Are you that scared of the things you do, that you must attack someone else? Act like a damn fool?

Already, I had no respect for this particular woman. I haven't spoken to her in about 10 years. I will not let her touch me. I don't care if she wants to hug me, I want nothing to do with her. She knows why. I shouldn't have to respect someone who has no respect for me or my parents. Enough said. But to act the way she did. And get others involved. It's ridiculous!

So not only have you taken money from my parents, you harass them. That's ridiculous! Especially after everything that my parents have done for my grandparents. But how easily people forget. All those cigarettes, beer, food, time, energy, little trips, and such...and they forget. They forget the time spent.

Then to accuse my Mom of this nonsense. She hasn't spoken to her brother since October. At a family party. And those sisters...it's been years. Since they tried to "take down the family." Yes, years! As in at least 4...if not longer.

But when you are a "scaredy cat" and are trying to hide, I guess you just lash out. Blame anyone that is around you. There's not enough sense, to realize the harm you are doing. You are tearing apart this family. As far as I'm concerned, I have Tatie, Uncle John, Auntie Ronnie, and a bunch of cousins. The rest, well, if I never see them again, it wouldn't bother me.

To have someone waiting for you, to attack you, and yell at you like a wild animal, that is crazy. For people to be throwing things at you, and waving around canes like that...that's nonsense! Why? Because someone else is after you? Maybe you should research this a little better. Really look at who is attacking you. And going after you. It's not the sister that you are blaming.

It's not the first time that people have hurt my Mom. People in her family. That are supposed to love her. There was that time, when my Uncle was dying. And everyone got together to celebrate his birthday. The purposefully left my Mom out. And all those holiday celebrations. But the crazy thing is, the people in this family that matter, they know that she loves them. They know that I love them. That's all that matters. Not these crazy women.

The sad part is, they are tearing apart this family. Do you know something? I have a cousin, that I heard was looking for a better job. I made some calls, talk to a bunch of people. And I got her an interview for this amazing job. I literally got the call this morning. But now...do I dare call her? Because if I do, will I be the next one they attack? So I decided, I'm just going to let it go. Because there's too much, for me, to lose in the end. And it's not worth it.

That hurts. That's the sad part. Because it's hurting people that aren't even involved in the main family problems. Why can't my cousins go see our grandpa? A cousin that helped build their home. Why can't my Mom see my grandpa? Her Dad. Or my Uncle. This is what is ridiculous.

But we are not the ones to decide what is right or wrong. There is a judgement day for that. A day when you have to face the Lord, and explain the things you've done. There is no hiding from him. He knows what you've done. No matter how well you think you've hidden it. He knows.

For these people, that feel superior to the rest of us, it's not worth it. You're hurting the family more, than you are helping it. Does it make you feel so good, because you attack someone? I'm not like my Mom. I wouldn't have taken that. Maybe you will call my a B, but I don't care. People need to respect people, in order to receive respect back.

For my family that is innocent in these matters, I love you. We may not see each other often. May only speak a few words, but I love you. You are in my heart. And will always be there. There is no changing that. I love you.

And all that is left to do, is pray for Tatie. Pray that he recovers. And that he is allowed to live, his last few years in peace, surrounded by love, and in a way that makes him happy. That's all that matters. No matter how much people don't want to see it, his health and happiness is all that matters. And every single day, that is what I pray for. ♫

Thinking About Christmas...

There was not a whole lot that I expected, or wanted, this year for Christmas. I was hoping for a simple day or two at home, with my parents. I had a few things that I really wanted. A couple of craft books, a crochet magazine subscription, and a scarf. Mostly, I was looking forward to some chili rellenos, and time with my parents. And I really wanted to go to Midnight Mass at our church.

It's almost been a month since Christmas. And honestly, this year, Christmas was a blur. I'm not even sure if I wished my Mom a Merry Christmas. I spent the early morning hours talking to my Dad, and praying. Usually I'm up wrapping presents until 4AM! And I had planned on going to Midnight Mass alone. But none of that happened.

It's all OK though. Because my Dad is OK. Minus the little sugar scare yesterday morning. He's honestly doing really well. Gaining strength with each passing day. And I guess being Diabetic Certified is coming in handy now. :) But honestly, Christmas came and went with little notice by me. Sad, but true. All that was on my mind, was getting my Dad healthy. And keeping my Mom calm.

A few years ago, I had a pretty sad Christmas too. Just some personal things that were going on. In the end, my parents and I enjoyed a quiet holiday together. Just the 3 of us. And after Christmas, we took a little road trip through the mountains. That was the year that taught me a lot about myself. For all sorts of reasons.

This year, I looked back on that simple holiday. I'm one of those people that usually write out 500 Christmas cards, bake enough cookies for the US Army, and decorate my house to look like a Christmas Wonderland. Christmas is truly one of my favorite times of year. I just love my religion, and this holiday is all about religion.

But that year, and this past year, it was different. I came home Wednesday, and I saw my sad decorations. Just a wreath on my door, and some bells on my front door. That's it!!! Not me at all! I never set up my Advent Wreath, or Nativity Scene set up. I didn't pick out a Christmas outfit, never finished my shopping, or started my baking, no Christmas cards were sent, and honestly, I think I wore a mismatched pair of sweats on Christmas Day. With snowflake socks, and the same pair of ballet flats that I wore for 2 weeks! I definitely didn't pack, to be home for almost a month.

This year, I definitely became closer to God. It was the first time that I was really scared about losing my Dad. Really scared! As a medical professional, I'm trained to handle tough cases. I've saved a life with a gun to my head. But when it's your parent, it's completely different. And when you see you Dad laying on the ground, bleeding from his head, turning blue, the entire world just stops.

I kept it together. For the most part. I had to. We don't have many people to lean on. And during those first few hours, all my Mom and I really had, was each other. And I needed to protect her. I was the strong one. The one that knew what was coming. The one that sent my Mom to the waiting room, and sat there with my Dad. Knowing that pain and even a bit of yelling was coming.

I anticipated those things. I protected my Mom. And I took care of my Dad. All those nights in the hospital, I stayed up. Talking to my Dad. Praying to God. Pleading with Patrick. Holding on to my faith. And just believing we'd all be OK. I cried. But not until late at night. When my Mom was asleep.

I'm almost positive that my Dad doesn't remember any of this. Or any of the conversations we had. I held tight to my faith. I prayed. I asked God for his grace, love, and strength. And I just held out hope.

We were very lucky. To have amazing people in our lives. Having some of the most amazing friends and family. Friends who are close to my heart. People that I feel closer to than my own family. Lots of prayers. From family and friends, near and far. People who visited every single day. Loved ones that were there for us, when we needed them the most. Whether it was the daily visit, the delicious food, the conversations, the support, or the love...it all meant so much!!!

And during this time, I really felt God's love. I have amazing friends here, that prayed for my Dad and our family. Friends who have never met my parents. They held special masses, said rosaries, and just prayed for us. So many people prayed. And through the power of prayer, love, and support...my Dad made it! :)

It's going to be a long recovery. It's an adjustment for my parents. But I'm just grateful to have my Dad back. He's making a recovery. And I'm so grateful for that. I'm literally speechless. God is Great!!!

This year, Christmas came almost a week late. No fancy dinner. No mass. Heck, I was still wrapping the few presents we had managed to buy one another. It took hours to get through our few gifts. You know, we had a break for a snack, and a little nap. But in the end, I was happy to be with my 2 parents. At home. And healthy.

Christmas isn't about presents, parties, shopping, big meals, or even actually attending mass. It's about those things we hold dear in our hearts. Celebrating Jesus Christ. Remembering what's important. The power of prayer. And the love of family and friends.

This year, the Christmas tree, lights, and all that wrapping paper didn't matter. I didn't watch a single Christmas movie. And I only had 1 relleno. Yes, 1! But I've never been so happy to sit in my parent's living room, listening to my parents sleep. Silly I know. But for us, this year, it really was the sound of pure bliss.

And after weeks at home, 2 trips to my home and back, lots of cooking, cleaning, and medical advice...I'm just happy to know my parents are doing well. Years from now, I'll look back on this holiday season, and remember all the love that I'm surrounded with. The people that truly love me and my family. The people that matter most. I'll remember how love really does conquer all. And that nothing is more important than religion.

Now, I need to get ready. I'm heading home for work. I'll be back by Sunday. To work out here. Honestly, I'm just excited to see my parents! It's been less than 48 hours since I've last seen them. And only 8 hours since we've talked on the phone. But honestly, I cherish every moment that we share. Happy Friday! ♫

Praying for My Daddy

Loving God,
you watch over each and every one of your children.
Hear my prayer for my father.
Be his constant companion.
Protect him no matter where he goes,
and bring him safely and quickly home to those who
love him.
We ask this through Christ our Lord.
Amen.

We have been so lucky. God has worked in some truly amazing ways. My Daddy is recovering. It looks as though, he's going to be OK. He's going to make it past all of this. God has given us all a second chance. One that I'm so grateful for!

I will still ask for your prayers. And all of your positive thoughts. It's going to be a long road. That much I know. Life is going to be a bit more complicated. We're going to need a few more patients. But we're grateful. Grateful for a second chance.

My family has been so blessed. With so many people, that love and care about us. With a steady, and constant flow of visitors. Such kind hearted people. And such a talented medical team. We're so grateful. Words can't describe just how much it's meant to us.

And for as tired as we are, we're happy. Beyond ecstatic! Just for a second chance. A few more days to fill with love and memories. Another shot at being a family. Yes, we're so excited!

It looks like my Dad should be released within the next few days. Like I said, he's getting better. It's going to take a while for him to recover. But my Mom and I, are just happy to have him. We're ready for the road to recovery, that lies in front of us. ♫

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas! First and foremost, I want to thank my Dear Lord. For giving my Daddy, a second chance. It looks like he is going to recover. That's what the doctor has told us. He's still not out of danger. We're still in the ICU. And it's going to be a very long road. But he should make it. Praise God!

So a little information. My Dad's scans and test all came back looking good. But the doctor is still concerned with a few things. His medication was ridiculously low. So they increased that. His oxygen levels are also really low. So they're monitoring that. He as to have oxygen on 24/7. At least for now. And his sugars are running really high.

But the main concern is pneumonia. Because of his age. And he's had it before. So about twice an hour, they come in to suction him. He does not like it one bit! What can you do? They are really worried about that though.The nurses constantly come to check. Because if the pneumonia fully develops, we're in trouble.

With all that said, he's doing better. Not 100%. Heck, we might be at 20%. But he's doing better. Tonight, he might get his first meal. He's supposed to have a "clear liquid" tray. Of course, he is more concerned with my Mom and I eating. But we have amazing friends and family. All of whom, have been wonderful! We've had more than enough to eat. Thank you guys!

In his usual fashion, my Dad is trying to get out of bed, when we're not paying attention. But for the most part, he's been sleeping. We've had a pretty steady stream of visitors. And we are honestly so blessed. So many people stayed here at the hospital, with us, last night. I think we were up until 2AM!

My Dad is no where near "being himself." He's sleeping a lot. The really deep sleep. Mostly because of all the medications. He's also not really talking. But he is semi aware, of what is going on. He watches us all. And is doing pretty well. And when the doctor told him it was Christmas, he said, "Holy cow! Are you sure? I need to shop." The doctor just laughed! There will be plenty of time to celebrate, when he feeling better.

We've got another amazing nurse today. He's had so much patients with my Dad. Who insisted on sitting in a chair this morning. It took them about 30 minutes to get him in the chair. Then he told the nurse he was tired. So we put him back to bed. And he's been asleep since. So, he really hasn't sat up since Thursday morning.

Like I said, we've had so many visitors. Everyone has been so kind. And we've gotten so many phone calls. We are truly blessed. Like I said, my Dad is making small improvements. We still don't know what's wrong. And honestly, he's not really talking yet. So they can't ask him too many questions.

My Mom is handling this pretty well. Although, she won't leave my Dad's side. But I'm making sure she eats. And sleeps. I've also made sure she is semi-comfortable. Has the necessities and clean clothes. We're just trying to make it. That's all I can say.

I'll keep everyone, as updated, as I can. You can call at anytime. I have all 3 of our cellphones. And you are more than welcomed, to call the hospital room. Or come by! My Dad might not talk to you on the phone, but he enjoys getting the calls. He really lights up when he sees new faces.

Looks like he's waking up. I better get going. I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas. Please keep my family in your prayers. Remember us today, while you are in church. May you have a wonderful day. Merry Christmas! ♫

Please Pray

We've had a pretty bad 24 hours. And now, I'm asking you all for your positive thoughts and prayers. My Dad got really sick yesterday. A lot worse than his "normal" for seizures. And by 9PM, I was calling an ambulance.

We spent a couple of hours in the emergency room. And then we were all rushed up to the ICU. I know it's bad. My Dad is in bed #1. But we've had a good team. An incredibly talented doctor last night. And an outstanding nurse here in the ICU.

Right now, they have my Dad pretty medicated. And he is going to spend most of the morning having scans and tests run. He is completely out of it. But at least, his breathing is becoming more easy. Last night, he struggled so much. At one point, I honestly wasn't sure if he was going to make it. And that really scared me.

I don't have anyone's phone numbers. Neither does my Mom. So if any of my family is reading this, send me a text or an e-mail. I'll let you know what is going on. But for now, please pray for my Daddy.

And I truly hope that everyone has a very blessed Christmas. I will try to keep everyone updated, as much as possible. I love you all. ♫

He Still Has My Heart

No matter how much I try, he has my heart. My whole heart. Yes, he does. No matter the distance, the time that passes, or the things that happen in our lives. He has my heart in his hands. And honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. Who knows...one day...he might just be the one. :)

Maybe it's my humbug attitude as of late. Or my unwillingness to go home. The fact that I just don't want to be around other people. Whatever it is, he understands. Even from 1000s of miles away, he gets that. Has just the perfect things to say. Those things that make me feel better about myself.

And it's when I see him, and my heart does that silly little thing, that's when I know. When he tells me I'm beautiful. You know, when I have the flu, a fever, no makeup, my hair is a hot mess, and I've been wearing the same pjs for 2 days. Yes, that's when it counts the most. That and the chicken noodle soup that he's brought over. Because he is convinced that it will make me feel better.

But it goes deeper than that. He's the man I turn to when my world falls apart. The one person who just lets me cry, when I need it. Who comforts me, as I lose yet another important person in my life. My biggest cheerleader, when all I want to do is give up. He is all those things. And so much more.

It's funny how much we've been through. Sharing a stage. Learning from our mistakes. Challenging each other. Celebrating each other's victories. And helping each other to reach our goals. Money, popularity, and all that crap, it's never mattered. What's mattered, is each other.

Sometimes we falter. Sometimes we fall. We've gone months without talking. At some point, I'll admit it, I hated him. But that's in the past. All in the past. Because every time I've needed him, he's been here for me. Whether I've asked him to, or not.

It's nice to know. Especially when I had a crazy person hunting me down. And no one to depend on. I had him. Who else takes off 2 months of work to just make sure I'm OK? Not many people. But that's the difference. This man has respect, love, and knowledge to share. That's what I need. Along with a sense of security. He provides all of that.

Is it funny that we still argue about cakes? Yes. But eventually, I'll bake him a cake. Maybe even for his birthday. Is it strange that I pick up his mail when he's gone...and on tour? Maybe. But I think it's funny, that his neighbors think I live there. That I'm their neighbor too.

Our relationship is complicated. Strange. And, well not common place. But it works for us. The 2 musicians that grew up, more alike than not. The 2 people that probably should just give in to this thing. But you know, we're both pretty hard headed. For now, this works. In a year...maybe it won't.

You just never know where life will take you. Will he be living in FL again? Will I move to NC? Or we just might be a little nuts and say, both careers aren't the right thing for us. I guess only time will tell.

But today, I'm just happy to know he's on my side. He's still the man that calls to chat at 2AM, because he knows I can't sleep. Or the man who shows up at my house, to help out in my latest round of painting. Ya, it's that time of year. My house needs a new coat of paint.

That's the 2 of us. Singing those ubber romantic duets one minute, the next laughing at some ridiculous thing we seen. What really happens under the sombrero? Nothing. The 2 of us trying not to laugh. Ask anyone in the band. The audience can't see. But we all know. It's part of the act. At least 50% of it.

Chemistry? Well you can't deny that. But it's not the beginning and end of us. We're both more complicated. And a whole heck of a lot funnier. What can I say. And to think, after all this time, I've had this hombre right under my nose. And no matter what we try to do, we keep finding our way back to one another... ♫

Thankful

The last few weeks, heck, the last few months have been tough. Crippling at times. I'm not going to lie. But tonight, I'm Thankful. And very grateful. My Goddaughter, My Lil' Southern Belle, she made it out of surgery. It's going to be a long road. A long road to recovery. But we're all going to make it.

I pray every single day. For her health, safety, and happiness. It means so much to me. Having so much faith in God, it makes my life so much more rewarding. I never feel alone. Because I have someone to depend on. Someone who is always here for me. I'm Thankful. God is the greatest!

And as I know, through experience from the hospital, this is going to be a long road. But I know, by having faith, we're all going to make it. My Lil' Southern Belle is going to make it. She's going to get healthy and strong. And one day, we'll get to run around together. Play in the playground. And snuggle up in bed together. I know this. Because I believe in God. ♫

Life Moves On

It's crazy how fast life moves forward. Like if you blink your eyes, you'll miss everything. Just days ago, I cried myself to sleep. Missing one of the most important people in my life. The pain hasn't gone away. It still hurts thinking about Patrick. But today, one of my closest friends is getting married.

Life is definitely moving forward. I'm laying here, looking at this beautiful, pink dress. I'm in the wedding. And I'm supposed to be happy. This is a day of celebration. But I'm not sure that my heart and soul are in it today. My "acting skills" are going to have to be good today.

Life is just tough like that. You know what I mean? I'm so happy for my friends. What a glorious day! This is really one of those couples that is going to make it. You just know it. They're perfect for each other. And I want all the happiness in the world for them.

You know, I've hosted showers and parties for them. It's a big deal that they're getting married. Just a month ago, I was so excited. Today, I'm having trouble talking myself into just going. I want to lay in bed all day.

But I'm going to put my "Big Girl Panties" on. And I'm going to get out of bed. I'm going to take a shower and head over to the hotel. This is going to be an amazing day! I just know it. I might have to say a few extra prayers and talk myself into having some fun, but I'm going to enjoy this "Big Pink Wedding!" ♫

I've Had Just Enough Time...

Isn't that so appropriate? Just enough time. I'm going to be honest here, I never thought I'd make it to 21. That's 21 years old. And here I am, 27 years old...

I don't know what it was. But I always had this feeling, that I'd die young. Believe me, I've been in the position to die more than once. There were car accidents, health issues, and being held at gunpoint. More than once. Have I mentioned how unsafe my job can be?

But for whatever reason, My Dear Lord feels like I need to be on this Earth. He must have better plans for me. And I'm grateful. I get to live. And to have a positive impact on so many lives. It really is amazing.

But this song, since the first day I heard it, it touched something deep in my soul. Something that I couldn't quite understand. But something that just felt right. That felt honest, comforting, and welcoming. I can't explain it.

In more ways that one, I can relate to this song. The lyrics, it's like someone was looking into my heart and soul. No lie. There are very few songs that speak to me like this one. But this song, it just does that to me. And I find a lot of comfort in listening to this beautiful song. ♫

When Goodbyes Are Too Tough

My heart is completely broken. Shattered to be exact. My "Superman" has lost his cape. 3 days after finding out, I think I'm finally processing everything. Patrick is no longer with us...

My friend, he was so much more than a friend. He started out as my parents' boss. Then became their friend. He was my mentor and role model growing up. And I can proudly say, as an adult he was my friend. And my second Dad. I say Dad instead of Father, because he was that close to me. That special and important to my heart and soul.

There are more times than I can remember, when I would call him to just talk. Talk about school, life, whatever was on my mind. And he was always there for me. With the best advice. Telling me how important all these things in life were. Like a college education, a good home, responsible finances, a good man to love, and even some time for my hobbies.

I knew Patrick for over 20 years. In those 20 years, he became one of the most important people in my life. I can say that full heartedly. Patrick was there when my family was not. For all the big steps and moments in my life. He was there. I could always count on him.

Even in my darkest days. The days when I wasn't so sure about my next step. He was there for me. Guiding me, and cheering me on. Without ever asking him, Patrick was just there. No matter if it was for a funeral for someone in my family, or just to listen to me talk. He was there for me.

I knew he had health problems. He was battling some of the most critical illnesses that I've ever heard about. But he never complained. Never showed signs of weakness. He was always so strong. So optimistic. Even knowing, that one day he would pass away from these very illnesses.

That's tough. But Patrick taught me so much. Especially in his last few months. He taught me about grace, love, and perseverance. Mostly, he taught me about faith. I always thought I was a religious person. But Patrick is someone who sincerely lived by the ways of God. I will always remember that.

In these tough times, I try to remember the things about Patrick that made me smile and laugh. His love of eating. I don't think there was a single thing the man didn't like. But his favorites included carne adovada and pineapple upside down cake. I would bake him cakes, just to see his eyes light up. Oh and his love for Sabor a Mi. :)

There were also the years and years, of him trying to set me up with his son. It really made me laugh. Nothing could stop him. Not the fact that I went to one high school, and his son to another. Our schools were rivals. He thought we'd be a perfect pair. Because I was a cheerleader and his son was a basketball player. Nevermind years later, when he tried to set us up again. His son had a girlfriend. But Patrick was trying. He never could accept that I'd never be his daughter in law. He even joked that he should have had another son.

I'm going to miss Patrick so very much. He was definitely one of my "7 Pivotal People." I owe so much to Patrick. I'm going to miss those hugs. And our long chats. I'm going to miss the silly e-mails. And the fact that I never got my #2, 3, or 4 pictures. Or that he broke his promise to be at my wedding. But I'm always going to carry Patrick in my heart.

Today was a very fitting day for his burial. Today is Fall Equinox. If you knew anything about Patrick, you'd understand the importance. The big rain storm that we had today, happened just as Patrick was being laid to rest. It felt like the world was weeping for this great man, just like we were. And as I sit here typing, and smelling the fresh crisp air, I can't help but to play back so many great memories of my dear friend, Patrick. Rest in Peace with the Angels in Heaven. One day, we shall meet again. ♫

Fishin' in the Dark

My heart is ridiculously heavy with grief today. It's going to be a tough day. And all I can think about is the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band's "Fishin' in the Dark." Weird I know. Maybe it's my brain's way of dealing with this tough day.

I'm not 100% sure what's going on with me today. But this song is helping me get through the day. At least, thus far. And I'm very grateful. It's funny how that works. But this is one of my favorite songs. I don't know why. It just is.

Isn't that weird? There are lots of songs that I just like. I don't really know why. I think that it has a lot to do with my childhood. You know what? Country music will always have a special place in my heart. And today, I really need some of that. Just to get me through the day. ♫

Mixed Feelings

So the real reason I'm here, is to sing for Jav's wedding. We sang for his brother's wedding years ago. And by "we" I mean me and S. Hmmm, it kind of stresses me out. Lots of things have changed. Especially in the last year. So I'm just hoping for a nice day.

In fact, he's not even here yet. S is flying in from Mexico City. And we are supposed to be singing "Somos Novios" at the wedding. I mean we're going to sing other stuff. Almost everything that Jav and his fiance requested, was a duet. But this was on the top of their list.

This happens to be the very first song that S and I ever sang together. And it's probably our most requested song to sing. I know it's the one he enjoys the most. But for me, it's a bag of mixed feelings. I'm honored to get to sing for my friends, but I'm stressed about the whole situation with S.

Well, there's not much for me to do at this point. Except get ready. And to go hangout with my Goddaughters. 2 of which, are in the wedding. :) So I'll have something very good, to keep my mind off of all these mixed feelings that I'm having. Maybe one day, someone will sing this song at my wedding... ♫